


You Had To Walk Into Mine

by another_crack_in_time_and_space



Series: Of All The Art Classes In All The World [2]
Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Dissociation, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Kieren gets help for his depression, LGBT, M/M, Original Male Character - Freeform, Self Harm, mentions of eating disorders, photographer!simon, self indulgent, uni! Kieren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-03-30 02:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3918679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/another_crack_in_time_and_space/pseuds/another_crack_in_time_and_space
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>6 Months after the Galleries and 3 months after Simon and Kieren began dating it seems everything is right with the world for Kieren Walker. He is with someone who appreciates him, he is almost done with his junior year of university, and he's never felt happier. Until a dark night and a wrong move and everything falls apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nests - Keaton Henson

Sometimes rooms become something else. Sometimes they feel like they split off from the whole building and they’re just independent worlds. Like at 3am they’re ships at sea, lost and never coming back. Or at 4pm they’re white light filtered hipster hideaways, a well worn arm chair. Or at 9am on a saturday they’re glowing like some lovesick metaphor about hearts, nests that you would never have to be pushed out of, they’re made of potential and bedsheets and everything good about quiet.

Kieren Walker woke up at 9 am on a saturday. He did this slowly, yawning a bit. He blinked blearily enjoying the white calmness of his dorm. The sun was shining through his window turning everything dream like. He shifted slowly, relishing in the quiet of his thoughts and the smell of the morning. There was nothing. This was peace.

With no pressure to be awake he drifted for a bit in this sappy dream land before finally urging himself out of bed. He hummed softly as he set up a sort of contraband kettle, no more than a repurposed coffee pot and a hot plate. Once that was in place he curled up in the arm chair opposite his desk, pulling the afghan he kept there around his shoulders. Kieren almost fell asleep again but he was too preoccupied by watching the suncatcher Amy made him. It glinted in his window, a collection of broken glass casting colored shadows on the man who slept below it. 

Simon stirred from his own sleep, gently. A silly smile spread across Kieren’s face as Simon promptly threw an arm over his eyes and rolled over, his free hand reaching toward where Kieren had been. He let out a soft bemused grunt when his hand hit empty air. Rolling over completely Simon groaned into the bed. 

“S’not funny.” He grumbled at Kieren’s laughter. “You brat.” Simon pushed himself up and shot a teasing glare at the red head. “Makin’ fun of your elders like that. Don’t you young’uns have hobbies?” Kieren took his time to answer, watching Simon stretch his arms over his head. His pale white skin almost glittered in the sunshine. Kieren’s heart fluttered ridiculously. He was seriously school boy crush material. 

“My hobbies include watching paint dry, and kissing gorgeous irishmen.” he responded, though half of it was hushed and Simon just grunted in response. Climbing out of his arm chair Kieren crossed his room and crawled over his bed to Simon, placing small kisses all over his neck and shoulders, like warm shocks. Simon sighed, hands traveling up Kierens chest to rest on the back of his neck, pulling him to his lips. It was like a surprise every time they kissed, a rush of newness and joy. 

When they broke apart they laughed at each other a bit, Kieren half in and half out of bed and Simon in only a sheet. They were beyond ridiculous. 

Kieren got the water when it boiled, switching the plate off immediately and dropped black tea bags into each cup. Simon finally decided to put on clothes and join Kieren, hands resting on his hips and chin on his shoulder as he watched.

“With practiced ease the artisan tea pour-er guides the water into the mug, oh! What a sight to behold!” Simon pitched his already low voice to make himself sound like a documentary narrator. Kieren rolled his eyes. 

“Not sure pour-er is even a word, let alone a career.” he answered softly, with an eyeroll. “You really are so romantic in the mornings.” 

“It’s the irish brouge,” Simon insisted. “Really, makes all the girls crazy.” Kieren turned in place, effectively pinning himself to the desk with Simon’s weight. He held Simon’s blue eyes for just a second. Eye contact was still a strange thing to him. 

“I’m sure.” Kieren said, in what was supposed to be a joking tone, but his doubt had an annoying way of crawling into his voice. Simon kept quiet after that, even when Kieren handed a mug to him. They still had a lot to work with when it came to their relationship. It had been a few months since they officially got together and about half a year since the Gallery debacle. Sometimes Kieren would seem okay but then he’d tear away and fold up, or he’d shut down a conversation’ or even just the look in his eyes would go flat and you’d know he wasn’t there anymore. It got to be so frustrating sometimes all Simon wanted to do was scream as loud as he could. He didn’t understand it at all. He didn’t understand the self harm or the hatred. Kieren was so beautiful and he put himself through so much hell to try to make people think he wasn’t worth much at all. But it was who he was, and Simon knew he couldn’t change a thing. So he didn’t. He let Kieren do as Kieren does. 

Kieren himself could see the patterns in this behavior and hated himself for it. Some nights, nights he was alone, it felt like he could relapse again. But then Simon would stay over, they’d have totally sober sex, which in truth did freak Kieren out sometimes, and then they’d fall asleep and the world would be perfect, not a thing could ruin it. Except himself of course. He constantly tried to ruin it. But he was better, in some sense. More confident at the very least. 

Kieren pulled the afghan over his shoulders again, but took it to his bed instead of the chair and curled up in the corner of it, mug close to his face. Simon joined him, leaving his mug on the beside table. In a silent exchange Simon and Kieren adjusted themselves so Simon was the one with his back to the wall and his arms around his boyfriend’s waist. Kieren fit snugly into his chest, staring at the steam.

“You alright?” Simon whispered. Kieren nodded removing a hand from his mug and taking one of Simon’s in his own.

“We have dinner with my parent’s tonight, you know” Kieren reminded him. Simon groaned a bit burying his head in Kieren’s neck. He smiled but kept his stern tone. “Mr. Monroe, be a big boy and get used to it. My parents adore you.”

“Yeah, adores. Kieren, they don’t even know me. I’m still just your roommate to them. You don’t even have a roommate!” Simon protested. Kieren shifted uncomfortably, swallowing a mouth of tea before shrugging. 

“They don’t need to know that about me. Not their business” he said feebly, praying that just for once Simon would let it go. Just one morning in peace. Simon was constantly urging him to come out to his parents, as if it was any of their business or Simon’s either. He could be such a pain. 

“I just think it could help you a lot if you were out. Make amends, accept yourself.” Simon continued. “You have the potential to be open and honest with your parents and you’re hiding in the closet like some poor primary school kid who found Adam Lambert.” 

“Well first of all it was Jesse McCartney-” Kieren tried to keep the conversation light and in control but Simon kept at it

“Same difference, but do you see what I’m getting at? Just look them in the eyes and say ‘Mum, Dad, I’m gayer than Van Gogh at a pride parade” 

Where Kieren was supposed to laugh he just grimaced. Simon didn’t understand anything that was going on between Kieren and his family. He had actually just convinced them that Rick had been an accident. They were more than ready to believe that. Anything for the Walkers to assimilate into their town after the mess Kieren had made.

“That’s not very funny.” He muttered, under his breath and stayed quiet for all of Simon’s other terrible attempts at conversation. God he didn’t get it. Finally Kieren worked free of his boyfriend’s grasp and put the cups of half drunk tea on the counter. The anxiety for tonight was already gathering in muscle cramps in his back. Soon his hands would be shaking, his face would flush. He’d comb his hair for twenty minutes, he could see it already. He was so stuck already he hardly heard Simon get up from the bed

“I guess I won’t say anything, but one day Amy is going to be tired of pretending to be your girlfriend.” his boyfriend said on his way out. He kissed Kieren’s cheek gently pausing for a moment, like he wanted to say something else. But he only left, shutting the door carefully behind him

As soon as he was gone, almost all the fight in Kieren left. He just wanted to be held again. Simon wasn’t wrong but he sure as hell wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair that his parents didn’t know, but it didn’t mean he was somehow emotionally stunted. He himself knew who he was and accepted it. How could he not? He was dating, he was out...there were bad days when the doubt would encroach. But that was normal. One can’t ever totally respect themselves, can they?

He didn’t really like the direction of his thinking so he turned his mind to painting, approaching the easel in the corner and picking up a brush. He knew what he was doing. He couldn’t ever be wrong here. 

What did Simon know anyway?


	2. Something Is Not Right With Me - Cold War Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't want to be here

The next thing he knew Simon was knocking on his door again. Kieren opened it but didn’t even look at Simon. Kieren himself was dressed as best as he felt, formal pants and a button up, though he was pretty sure the buttons were done wrong. His hair was still sticking out as it had that morning and he had paint under his fingernails again. God he was a mess. 

“Are you...okay?” Simon asked in a strange tone. His frown only tugged down one corner of his mouth. 

“Yeah, no I’m fine, let’s go…” Kieren said turning to face his boyfriend. Simon looked perfect, head to toe in soft shades of charcoal. His hair had been slicked back and he smelled of aftershave. God why did he have to try so hard? Kieren smiled and took Simon’s hand, hoping to dissuade any sort of conversation on their walk to the restaurant. He wasn’t so successful, though Simon did at least wait till they were outside.

“So what’s the story? Amy had her arm cut off and couldn’t join? She became an alien? Joined a nudist colony?” of course Simon would still be on this morning. 

“Stop, you know I’ll think of something. I don’t think they even expect her anymore. Maybe one day they’ll stop asking.”

“Maybe they’d stop asking if you were out?” Simon urged, trying terribly to push his stupid party line. 

“Maybe you’d stop asking if you had any sense. I’m not coming out to them. Leave me alone.” Kieren dropped Simon’s hand and balled them into fists that he shoved in his pockets. He hated conflict. “I just need to get through this okay? Please don’t say anything” the plea was met by silence. Kieren stopped and looked up at Simon. He seemed so disappointed in Kieren, his face told it all. His eyes avoided anything but the ground and his jaw was set in frustration. Kieren had half the mind to just go home. 

“If it will keep you safe, fine” Simon said, and blissfully stayed silent for the rest of the walk through the town. It was vaguely warm for an April evening. The sky was overcast and threatened rain. Kieren only hoped it would. He could think in the rain. 

They finally got to the restaurant where Sue and Steve were waiting patiently. Sue rushed forward and hugged her son, cooing. 

“Oh it’s been so long! You really should call more often, young man.” Sue was practically about to smooth out his hair before she noticed Simon and smiled politely. “Hello Simon. How are you?” 

“I’m well, ma’am.” He smiled, all teeth like the day he and Kieren had met. He was all charm. “Should we go in? Looks like rain and it’d be a shame to get caught in it.” 

The restaurant was softly lit by exposed bulbs that glowed gold. Over plush booths lined the walls which were laden with student art and achievements. Of course his parent’s had to have picked the place most likely to have a reprint of Simon’s project. Kieren was pretty sure he had sold some of the fully clothed prints to shops along this way. His eyes scanned the wall as they were seated, hoping to be as far away from any evidence as possible. The coast seemed clear but he was on edge as glasses were set on the table and menus were handed out. 

“So Simon, how’s your last year here? Kieren says you’re an artist of some sort?” Steve asked between a sip of water. 

“Oh yeah, erm, I’m a photographer. This year has been...insanely quick.” Simon shot a look at Kieren as if to ask why it was he neglected to inform his parents he was involved in one of the university's largest student art show. Under the table Kieren took Simon’s hand and pressed it to his wrist where raised scars could be felt through the fabric. Simon remained composed though he squeezed Kieren’s hand once before grabbing his glass of water

“Yeah, Simon’s brilliant actually. His art was featured in the senior galleries.” Kieren said. “Might be a print in this place.” What was he doing

“Oh, that’s very nice.” Sue said pleasantly. “How are your grades, Simon?”

“Mom!” Kieren cut in, embarrassed. 

“Kier, it’s alright. I’ve got a 2.9 gpa right now, ma’am.” Steve’s mouth set in a thin smile. 

“Did you know our Kieren is on the dean’s list? We’re so proud of him.” Sue volunteered. “What are you thinking of ordering honey?” 

“Vodka” he muttered under his breath. Simon snorted, but saved himself by coughing over it. “I think maybe a salad or something. Not really hungry mom.” 

“Are you feeling alright?” She asked in a worried tone. Steve put a hand on his wife’s arm in a telling motion. 

“Yeah, I’m fine” Kieren said, voice no more than a squeak. He hated when his mom doted on him. 

“How’s life in Roarton, Mrs. Walker?” Simon asked. “Anything interesting?” It was plain to Kieren that Simon could care less about the small town that had forced his boyfriend to virtually run away to university. However he was thick in the charm. He could probably convince the president to step down from office at this point. 

“Oh you know, a bit of this and a bit of that. Jem’s trying to apply to the army. Ridiculous honestly.” Sue laughed lightly. Steve nodded. 

“She’s quite hell bent on it. Our little patriot. I imagine she took after Kieren’s friend...Mick? Ron?” by this time Kieren had gone completely silent. If it weren’t for the yellow light his paleness would have been striking. His hands were clammy when the waitress came for their orders, causing his menu to slip sending all four water glasses spilling toward Steve. Kieren would have flinched but he just kind of stuttered as his dad laughed awkwardly and patted down with napkins. 

“Think I’ll nip off to the bathroom. Just a second.” he offered. God could Kieren mess up anymore than he already had? He spent the next couple of minutes in silence helping mop up the mess. 

“So Kieren, why couldn’t Amy join us?” his mom asked once they had settled down again. Oh here it came. The awkward dancing around his mother. Simon pointedly looked at Kieren, motioning a pen on paper with his free hand. 

“Oh you know, finals. She sends her regards. We study together a lot.” Kieren grumbled. Amy had been forced to met his parents twice under the guise of his girlfriend, which almost always resulted in Kieren buying her coffee for a whole week. 

“Study, huh?” Sue looked at her son meaningfully. He was about to snap. 

But then Steve came back.

“Son, care to explain what this photo is doing in the back?” he asked, shoving his mobile toward Kieren. Low and behold Simons print of Kieren in the abandoned building stared back at them, but small blessings meant this was the covered one. 

“I told you Simon was a good photographer. I was his subject once. So?” 

“So? You didn’t think to tell us?”

“I guess it wasn’t that important-”

“I’ll pretend that wasn’t a shot at my art” Simon interjected. 

“Look will you guys just stop? I just want to-”

“Kieren Walker, you were plastered all across campus and you didn’t ask us nor inform us?” Sue said finally. 

“Is that what this is about? That I need permission?” he asked incredulously. He wanted to fight right then and there. He wanted to scream at them and run like he had months ago. But he didn’t think he could. “Sorry, I really am. I mean actually it was a really difficult time, I didn’t know if I was going to be a part of it until the end.” He shrugged.

“The school is rather stringent with what can be hung in the galleries, you see. Some of my pictures were too large to be hung so I had to sell them. Thusly some restaurant has a print.” Simon added. “You know, same old censor-I mean uh safety codes.” 

At that time their food arrived and Kieren ate slowly and methodically so as to always have food in his mouth when his mother asked something. This left poor Simon with most of the talking but at least he could handle it. Simon could always handle stuff like that. 

Dinner passed painfully slow and Kieren grew worse and worse until by the time they asked for a check his nerves felt so swollen and over stimulated they could tear through his skin. he hated every part of his illness. Most sons could enjoy time with their parents, but not him. He was just so ungrateful. He shouldn’t be here-

Kieren stopped that thought in his tracks and took Simon’s hand in his under the table. With Simon here it was always alright, wasn’t it? He could make it so, if he tried hard enough. There was more pointless painful small talk and then his parents finally said they should get home (“Long drive you know. I wish you hadn’t gone to school so far away”). As he waved his parents out of the parking lot he could have cried. Kieren leaned into Simon and let out a sigh so huge it shook his whole body. 

“Come on sunshine, let’s go home.” Simon smiled gently and took Kieren’s hand, leading him back to the campus and inevitably his room. Kieren was so out of it he could hardly feel the night chill. He needed a bed. he needed silence. Everything outside was too loud and too quick. His body was on high alert. 

They ended up back in Simon’s room, which was alright for Kieren. Simon’s roommate left school about a week ago anyway, so it was just like a larger suite. Kieren detached from Simon and curled into the couch. He couldn’t keep this up, he reasoned. One day he’d have to tell them. But on his terms, not Simon’s. Speaking of which Simon had been rather quiet on the walk back. Was it for consideration for Kieren or was it something else? The blonde raised his head to see Simon pouring scotch into one of those stupid crystal classes everyone uses. Perhaps Kieren overestimated his boyfriend’s ability to handle. 

Simon turned, smiling. “Want to curl up, sunshine?” he asked softly, though his tight grasp on his glass indicated he was all but at peace. Red flags rose in Kieren’s mind but he stood anyway, unbuttoning his shirt. He lost his pants on his way, till he was in nothing but underwear and a tank top. He crawled in ahead of Simon and stayed there as his boyfriend finished his drink and dressed down as well. An apology was poised on his lips as Simons warm hands wrapped around his middle and pulled him tight. He didn’t want any of this. he didn’t mean for any of this to have happened. He wasn’t ashamed of who he was or what he did with Simon, but dear lord was he terrified of it. Why couldn’t he just be like Simon, confident and cool and charming? Why couldn’t he be sensitive or moving? 

“I love you.” Kieren whispered into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm reading way too much J.D. Salinger, I'm sorry. Remember to tell me what works and what doesn't so I can offer you the best I have. Thank you so much!


	3. Autumn Tree - Milo Greene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "how long have you been gone?"

Simon was up first. He rose carefully, slipping out of bed. He didn’t try a light, Kieren was a light sleeper. He stumbled forward, pulling his pants off the ground with a soft rustle. He had to go. He had to be out of here. His nightmare still flashed against his eyes, his mother’s dry coughs and reaching hands forever burned into his memory. He couldn’t stand this bed, he couldn’t stand Kieren. The fear screamed in his head. He had to get out.

Simon slipped out of his dorm room without so much of a note, walking. He had no direction, he just had to walk

xxx

    When Kieren woke, Kieren woke alone. He stretched backward, reaching for Simon. He was disoriented, groggy. His head was so loud he could hardly see. Where was Simon? Kieren turned onto his side, finding the bed unmade and abandoned. Cold. He couldn’t have just left right? This was his room…

    Kieren dragged his hands through his hair, standing. He grabbed an old shirt of Simon’s off the floor, pulling it over his head. It practically hit his knees. He narrowed his eyes against the light and walked to Simon’s desk. Nothing, no note, just pictures. He straightened and looked at the door. Did he...leave him? No. Simon wouldn’t do that. Simon wasn’t like that. Kieren’s hands shook. He wouldn’t just ditch him like a one night stand. Walking on shaking knees Kieren grabbed the whiskey bottle and went back to bed, burying in Simon’s smell. He’d be back. Maybe he just went for coffee or the bathroom. Kieren shrank into a ball under the covers, holding the glass bottle to his stomach, flinching as the cold seeped through the cotton. He’d be back. So he would wait.

    Waiting turned into drinking after the two hour mark. Just to steel his nerves. Just to warm his skin. By three hours half of what was left was gone. By four Kieren was between fits of laughter and fits of crying. His meds would make him throw up soon. By five he was curled up again, shaking, planning what would happen if Simon never came back. At five and a half he still hadn’t moved from the bed, though he logically should have just gone home. His face was red from the alcohol and the world was spinning. He’d wait here forever he decided, until he rotted into the bed, until he wasted into a skeleton.

    Forever was really only five minutes as Simon showed up after that. Kieren sat up quickly and the bottle slipped out of his grasp, bouncing against the ground. Simon looked like hell, eyes dark and hair messed to the side. It was the first time Kieren ever saw him less than completely put together. He stopped in the doorway, frozen for a minute, taking his room in.

    “Sorry” Kieren coughed, his throat burnt from the alcohol. “I tried to save you some.” He laughed under his breath. He stood and lilted to the side. “Where have you been?” he asked desperately. “You were-hic-gone and..” he paused to catch his breath. Why was standing so hard?

    Simon’s mouth hardened. He ignored Kieren, walking around him for the bottle. He put it back in place and made the bed, smoothing out any hint of Kieren ever being there.

    “Go home, you’re drunk.” Simon finally said in a hard tone. He kept his back to him. Kieren reached forward, hands grazing his shoulders. Simon jerked away. Kieren's heart hit his gut.

"Simon?" He asked again, voice so soft it was like a child's. "Simon don't be mad please. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he was grabbing at Simon again, who worked free of his hands. "I'm sorry, don't be mad at me. Don't be mad, what did I do?" Tears filled under his eyes. "Don't hate me." What was wrong with him?

Simon turned away, walking to his couch so as to have a wall to his back. His hands flexed open and closed. Kieren winced as he did it. He was in danger, and he had to go. His anxiety was slow with the alcohol. Should he go? Simon won't hurt him. No, he was safe. He had to be.

"Why the fuck did you stay in my room?" Simon demanded. Kieren flinched back from him immediately. Too loud. "Why wouldn't you just leave?" A vein in Simon’s throat fluttered against his skin. "Why the hell are you here?"

"You-you left. I didn't know when you'd be b-back." Now he was really crying. Why would Simon be mad? "You didn't leave a note. You didn't call..." He wiped his eyes clumsily. "Tell me what I did. What's wrong?" He sunk down onto the roommates bed.

“Please just go home, Kieren. I’m not ready for this.” Simon opened the door and gestured to it. “And put some pants on please.” Kieren stood dumbly for a minute before moving to grab his clothes, pulling them on messily. He dragged his hand through his hair, pulling it as subtly as he could. Pain to remind him who he was.

“I still want to know where you were” Kieren said, leaning over and struggling with his socks. Simon shrugged, looking at the ground.

“You don’t have to know. Call me tomorrow, kid.” He said as Kieren hobbled out. “Be safe please.” He muttered and shut the door. Without even trying the handle Kieren knew it was locked. He didn’t know what had happened or why Simon was so cold. Bad day, he rationalized. It was only an isolated incident. Kieren began to walk back to his dorm, stumbling across the cement. This was probably a low point for him, but shame was washed over with anxiety.

Back in Simon’s room the irishman fell to his bed and took a few thick breaths. He had walked almost all the way to the train terminal, half made up his mind he’d just leave. But he thought of all he had left to figure out, like the final month of Senior year and of course Kieren. He walked part way back before stopping to get coffee, which was still bitter on the back of his tongue. He stayed in that cafe for four hours waiting. He hadn’t known for what, not until he saw a kid come in the cafe, eyes wide and hair wild. But not wide like Kieren’s. Not wild like him either. Contained. Better. He smiled when he ordered coffee, confident. He sat at a table by himself, seemingly pleased with being alone. Simon couldn’t look away from him. This was what Kieren could be, this was his potential. Happy and independent, not a doubt left in him.

And Simon began to think. His imaginary Kieren just took off, daydreams flooded him, pushing out any remnants of the nightmare. This Kieren held his hand in front of his parents. This Kieren laughed in public. This Kieren didn’t wear long sleeves all the time. This Kieren didn’t have panic attacks. This Kieren didn’t shy away from contact or compassion. This Kieren was supportive, this Kieren was a spitfire, this Kieren loved him without having to be scared to say it. If only Kieren would say it, if only Kieren knew how crazy Simon was about him.

But that wasn’t the reality. And it had sucker punched Simon as soon as he walked in the door to find his lover half drowned in alcohol. Bile hit his mouth at the thought. He made him so crazy. This was an invasion of privacy. Or it would be but Simon knew exactly what Kieren had done, and that was just to lay in bed and cry. Simon sunk into his couch heavily, hanging his head almost between his knees. This was such a mess. Had he let their relationship get too far? Had he fallen for Kieren if he would never be comfortable loving him back? He couldn’t regret what had happened between them, not even if he tried. But he just wanted it to be so much easier than it was.

           Simon stared at his ceiling, at the blank white of dorm. He stood up slowly and opened the cabinet under the bottle, taking out a fresh one. A glass was poured, as much as he would have liked to just drink the whole thing, alcohol poisoning be damned. He set the glass down on the coffee table and curled up on the couch. he knew his bed would smell like Kieren and he didn’t want to deal with that today. He shut his eyes and thought of his Kieren, the perfect one. A soft smile spread on his lips as he drifted back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and like. Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell someone.


	4. Afraid - The Neighborhood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so just warning you that there's some gore in this chapter. The way it's going I'll probably have to change the rating to M. Also warning for suicidal thoughts.

The next morning hit both of them hard. Simon woke with cramps in his back, shoulder to lumbar. He had some how fallen to the floor, coffee table shoved haphazardly in his descent. He sat up slowly, head spinning. He never did drink the glass he had saved, but he felt as though he did, his head pounding. Maybe it was low blood sugar, or something equally as dull. Struggling ungracefully to his feet he stumbled to his door, glancing down. Deciding most on the floor must have heard the fight he didn’t mind going out in rumpled clothes. He was going to shower anyway. Gingerly he made his way down the hall. It felt as if everyone was staring at him, regardless that he was alone. God, now he was starting to sound like Kieren. He put the thought from his mind. He might be depressed, but he wasn’t anything like Kieren. 

The bathrooms were at the end of the hall, a freezing labyrinth of tile and shower stalls. With towel and such under one arm Simon felt ridiculous, but he couldn’t bring himself to mind. The room was blissfully empty when he showed up, occupying the first shower stall. The hot water was wonderfully cleansing of all the tension he had been holding on to since dinner with Kieren’s parents. He hummed to himself, half out of tune. If he kept his mind blank he wouldn’t have to think about how he had messed up the last 24 hours. That guilt would last for days, that much was true. He thought instead of the boy from the coffee shop, of Kieren’s wonderful smile. 

He finished, wrapped in a towel and dried his hair for a few seconds before walking back to his room, confident once more. He wanted them to look and see. He wanted their envy. He winked at the one stray co-ed who dare ventured out. The poor boy blushed and looked away so quickly Simon could almost hear the no homo on the tip of his tongue. He shrugged and pressed into his dorm.

 

Kieren on the other hand was less successful. His quarter bottle of whiskey honestly should have somehow killed him, considering his weight and tolerance, but still he woke to sunshine the next morning. A fuck ton of sunshine. It was like his room was on fire with it. He couldn’t look anywhere. His stomach slammed against his ribs and he didn’t dare move. His bed seemed to rock and twirl. Kieren would have been far more grateful for death. 

Softly, though that was still too loud, he reached for his phone, ignoring the soreness of his body. He opened his email, sending a mass one to his teachers that he had gotten the flu and couldn’t get out of bed. He knew they would see right through it. They would hate him, gossip about him. Three responded within ten minutes but he couldn’t keep checking back if he hoped to avoid throwing up. Fuck. He squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath, waiting for the nausea to pass. Please just let this go away

He slipped back into uneasy sleep, curled up tight, half in and half out of the covers. He shook like a small animal. There were fever dreams, fast and bright and loud. Ones of him reaching out for human forms, more shadow than mass. They screamed at him, voices consistent with the tone of a box fan. He dreamed of Simon, of making love with Simon, being grabbed tightly, bruises spreading over his body like ink in water. He looked at them but smiled, they felt like tickles. Simon moaned and sank on top of Kieren, pulling at his clothes until they tore off him easily. Then he pulled at his skin, which pulled off as easy as a blanket. Kieren pulled backward but handfuls of his skin were in Simon’s fists. He kept grabbing at him, tearing off his skin like putty. 

“You’ll look so much better when you come out. Come on...show some skin” Simon laughed and kissed the handfuls of flesh before leaping forward to tear a hole in Kieren’s chest  
That was when he woke violently, sitting up and propelling himself toward the trashcan where he threw up nothing but bile. He heaved and heaved until the spasming in his gut became sobs. He felt as if something in him should be breaking, with the force of each upheaval. He frantically looked over his arms and legs, peeling off layers of clothes awkwardly, running his hand over his scars. Everyone was still the same. His skin was in place. He took the trashcan with him and checked himself in his mirror. Still pale, still sickly. He looked like hell

Pausing to throw up again he made his way to the edge of the bed. Prioritize Walker. Food? He couldn’t keep that down. Water. He needed water. There was a water bottle next to his bed, which he picked up and drained. Stale, like plastic but it was something. He had to change. He had to find Simon, he had to get Simon to forgive him. 

Clothes. He looked around and took off his button up from two nights ago, exchanging it for a Twenty One Pilots t shirt. He stood slowly and peeled his pants off but had to sit down again, pulling the trash can in front of him. Somehow he got into a pair of jeans, somehow he found another water bottle. But he couldn’t do more than that. He didn’t want to. He curled up again in the middle of his bed and stared at the wall across from him. All his energy bled into the mattress. 

Why should he get Simon to forgive him? It wasn’t like Simon would even listen to him. Simon must hate him, just like all the rest. He’s always had it out for Kieren, even when they were still friends. Simon didn’t care for him at all. Kieren curled up tighter, tears returning. The only people who cared for him didn’t know him at all. He should just give up and go home, there was no kind of future out here for some faggy kid from a small town. He cried harder now covering his face with pillows. Why had he even thought this could be better than Roarton? This was hell, just like every other place on earth. God dammit. God fucking dammit. Kieren threw his pillow across the room, punching his mattress with as much force as he could manage. 

He would just leave. That’s right. He’d go. Kieren stood with determination, pausing over the trash can, but powering ahead anyway. He pulled a cardboard box from his closet, spilling books into it, then throwing clothes in from his floor. He couldn’t stop. He got another and filled that with anything else on his shelves. His hands were frantic, he could hardly think through the mania. But soon after he pulled out a third box he stopped, falling to his knees and burying his head in his hands. 

What did he think he was doing? Just leaving? After all this time, after all this money and effort and struggle? Where would he go? What would he do? Maybe he should just leave himself. He looked up sharply at that thought. Maybe...maybe he could. Maybe he could leave. He looked around his room. There were his anti depressants. He had thrown out any blades the first day of college. He could suffocate himself. Jump off the roof of his dorm. Maybe he could pay someone to lend him some kind of weapon. 

No. No no no, he couldn’t do this again, he couldn’t be relapsing. Not over this, not for him. Kieren looked at his wrists, running his hands over his scars. He had to call Amy. He had to get out, just for a day. He had to, he had to, he had to. 

Kieren stumbled to his phone, dialing in Amy’s number from memory. His breathing was broken now and his throat burned. He had to leave.  
“Yeah, Amy? It’s Kieren...I need some help”


	5. Of The Night/Tuning Out - Bastille

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you can put some joy upon my face, or sunshine in a hopeless place"   
> "Fall on your knees, oh Hear the angel voices"

“So you just stayed there?” Amy asked as she handed him a cup of tea. The smell of anise and clove curled around his chin. She sat down opposite him on the two wing back chairs in her room, spreading her large skirts over her knees. Kieren was more hunched than actually sitting, like he was ready to bolt at any time. He tried to find comfort in the sandalwood incense or the chai tea in his hands but his heart would not stop hammering.

“Yeah I guess...I mean I think? Can’t really remember much, just that I was really scared.” he frowned into his cup and tapped his fingers frantically. “I don’t know what to do Amy, I really don’t.”

She frowned, her over red lips pulling into a small gash across her face. Normally Amy was quick with advice, especially when it came to Simon. But now she had nothing. Her hands flew up to pull on some bangs.

“Well, handsome, maybe there are apologies due.” she shrugged. “Or at least that’s what Simon expects.” Amy didn’t mention that she thought Kieren was in the wrong too, not when he was so obviously disturbed.

Kieren hung his head, shoulders shaking from the effort of holding his tea cup. He was exhausted. He had thrown up twice on the way getting here. He felt so weak. He didn’t understand anything going on in his life right now.

“But why? I don’t understand what I did wrong. He left. He’s the one who just up and ditched me like some…” he took a hand and scratched at his eyes, where tears were starting to form. “Like some whore, like a one night stand.” Amy took his hand, putting her cup down on the table in between them.

“Come on, you don’t actually believe that, do you?” she asked. He looked up slowly, huge eyes boring into her. Maybe he did believe that. “Simon adores you, Kieren. You just got too close. We all need space.” Amy insisted. Kieren nodded numbly but didn’t say anything else. The pair sat in silence, sipping tea or not. Kieren couldn’t stop thinking about Simon’s voice, or his fists. What if he hurt him? What if they never got over this? What if they could never move on and they broke up and Kieren was left all alone again, he couldn’t deal with that not anymore he would just die die die die die.

“Alright, get up.” Amy said suddenly. “Up, up, up.” she tugged at Kieren’s arm forcing him to his feet. He looked around slowly like this was the first time he had ever really seen her apartment. She lead him through her small flat, covered in posters and tapestries and beads. Everything she could find for protection, like the evil eye of judaism, scented candles, hell she even had a gnome garden. She threw open a pair of double doors, exposing a large master bed, strewn with heavy blankets and petticoats. She picked them up in her arms and tossed them on the ground, before patting the bed. Kieren furrowed his eyebrows but sat down anyway.

Suddenly Amy threw herself against Kieren, tossing him backward with a soft grunt. She curled up on one side of his body, clinging to his arm for dear life. Kieren tried to pull away, but she pulled him back into place.

“Amy, what the hell?’ he asked finally, when merely pulling away wouldn’t work. He didn’t flinch away from her touch, but he wasn’t exactly open to it. She curled up tighter and forced a frown.

“I’m cuddling you, dum-dum.” she sing songed. “It makes me feel better. Phillip lets me cuddle all the time. I promise, it’s science.” Kieren laid on his back, letting her warmth pool into him. He didn’t really feel anything, but his mind couldn’t spin anymore. There was something grounding about being cuddled against your will. They were silent for a while, listening to the other breathing, until Amy started snoring. Without him noticing his heart rate had settled and his eyes closed. He could feel Amy’s heart beat against his forearm, like a little reminder that he wasn’t dead. Or maybe a reminder that she wasn’t dead. Whatever it did, he liked it. He slowly drifted in and out of a hazy dream state, where his muscles began to unwind. There wasn’t much fear in this dream world. None at all.

Kieren slept for a few hours before waking slowly. The smell of smoke, a slight cough. He sat up hurriedly, but only saw Amy smoking. No fire. He narrowed his eyes and dragged a free hand over his jaw.

“Amy, what are you doing?” he asked, eyeing the hand rolled...thing in her hand. He couldn’t tell if it was shitty tobacco or terrible weed.

“Smoking, handsome, what’s it look like?” she sighed, smoke curling out of the edges of her mouth. “Look what I learned!” she inhaled again and waited, before puffing out perfect circles like some very sad Gandolf. Kieren had never been averse to smoking, but Amy was a surprise.

“You want some?  I can roll you a spliff.” she smiled. “Or just try some of mine. Phillip got some for me. Well, indirectly.” she giggled and handed the spliff to Kieren as she bounded off the bed. “I think this whole domestic between you and Simon is gonna pan out well.” she insisted as Kieren inhaled. He held it in his mouth before spitting perfect circles like Amy. She didn’t notice.

“Yeah?” he said, leaning his head back. His whole body felt sweaty from sleeping so close to her. He took another hit before holding out his hand for her to take it back. “How do you suppose that? Is he suddenly going to go to a fucking counselor. ‘Yeah, sir, I’m pressuring my boyfriend to come out and now he’s all suicidal. Really ruins our date night. Tell him he’s being a drag?’ I can only imagine.” Kieren laughed cruelly.

“Oh come on, handsome, don’t be like that. That’s not what he means for you. If he knew where you were he’d be worried sick about you.” she balanced the spliff between her fingers as she shed a few layers of her dress. “Let’s go out.” What little he had taken in was starting to hit him. He shrugged, but the muscles in his shoulders let go. His thoughts began to shift, index cards falling into the right order. He should go out. Simon was just being emotional. They could deal with it at another time. The constant anxious static in his brain seemed to decrease to a manageable level for the first time in weeks. He smiled to himself.

“Yeah, yeah lets go out.” he agreed, standing off the bed and taking the spliff back from her, inhaling slowly. He needed all he could get. “Take some of this with you.” Kieren added as he turned around. Amy frowned at him and took hers back.

“Okay. There’s something somewhere you could probably change into. Check that closet, with the beads hanging off the handle.” she gestured haphazardly, knocking some ash off into a cup on her vanity. Amy spread more lipstick over her mouth and Kieren threw open the doors to find a clothes metropolis. He was going to have fun. He was going to like this.

They ended up on the streets by 10. Amy went with a usual inordinate amount of petticoats, in varying shades of green and black, with some purple top that went on more like a torture device than a t shirt, but damn if she didn’t look amazing, chestnut hair in ringlets. Her hands shook slightly in fingerless gloves but she held tightly to Kieren’s hand. This rave was not always the safest part of town. Kieren was similarly dressed in the tightest pants Amy owned, which was a surprise since Kieren wasn’t even sure Amy owned any pants. He had done over a super old Joy Divison shirt with some pins.

“I feel like I’m in junior high” he laughed, swinging their hands between them. “I haven’t dressed like this in ages.” Kieren was still smoking. In fact the longest he had stopped in thirty minutes was to use the bathroom. In any other context, Amy told herself, she would be concerned. But this was Kieren. Kieren was a good kid. He felt good, he was smiling. He was even better than he had been at the flat.

“It’s good to get out. Can’t stay locked up in uni forever, pretty boy. Besides, one look at ya and every single boy will be falling in love.” she sighed melodramatically.

“I’m not here for sex, I’m here for fun.” Kieren insisted. Down the street he could see where the line began. This was honestly the most intense social situation he’s been in since last year, but he couldn’t bring himself to be afraid. He was good now. Better. Why wasn’t he like this all the time? Kieren smiled sloppily before continuing. “I’m here to grind on some guys, kiss a few necks, scam a few drinks, then go back home.”

Amy scoffed. “You mean back to poor old pissy Simon, who can’t appreciate a beautiful face and a lovely cock when he’s got one.”

“Amy!” Kieren cut in. His face fell completely. “How could you say that? He’s still my boyfriend.”

“Right.” She said releasing his hand. She put her’s up in a sign of surrender. “Sorry, my bad. I got carried away.” Kieren responded only with a nod. The comment should probably have been the turning point. But he stayed put. Through the line, past the bouncer, through to the bathroom where they smoked another, and out to the dance floor Kieren stayed.

Music filled the place, but he couldn’t tell how. He saw no DJ, just people on people on people. It was a sea. The music was so loud it seemed to take up actual physical place. Kieren wouldn’t have been able to tell you what genre it was, but people were dancing, so it was the good kind. He swore he could practically taste it, but maybe that was because he was so far gone. Kieren immediately dove into the crowd, pulling Amy behind him. Everyone was touching, everyone was friends. Hands grazed him everywhere as he passed until he found a space suitable enough to dance. Neon lights and halos, angels, and devils flashed before Kieren’s eyes. He began to sway back and forth before slipping into more organized dance moves. His head was killing him and his body was still sore but he couldn’t care.

Dancing with abandon now he and Amy looked absolutely ridiculous. They would dance together for a bit then stand apart when the air got too thick. Hours passed, maybe days, before Amy left to go get them drinks. Kieren was still dancing, grabbing strangers, touching everything he could before his high began to wear down. He didn’t want to go back to normal. He looked around for Amy briefly when he pulled out to breathe. She appeared only moments later, with two beers and a scraggly looking guy on her arm. They exchanged names but he forgot it immediately. He wasn’t much to look at, but his eyes were captivating in washes of green and blue.

“Come on dum-dum, drink up. Then let’s dance” She urged, almost throwing the drink at him. Kieren drank eagerly, leaving the glass on some table in the corner. Twenty minutes later they were dancing once more, knotted together like headphones. He could hardly tell where Amy and her friend ended and began. Kieren himself meshed into the crowd easily. Some guy had caught his eye about 10 minutes ago but had disappeared. His thoughts were foggy with music and sweat, his hands were still under something else’s control. This was the best he had felt in such a long time.

The guy appeared again, sliding right in front of Kieren. A buzzcut, a sturdy jaw. Heavy lips. Stubble and an easy smile. He looked so much like Rick. Kieren wasted no time in getting closer, their body connecting. They danced with their hips locked for years, or maybe an hour because suddenly Amy was tugging on him again, saying something in his ear that sounded like bathroom. Or back room, or back home. Who knows. Kieren fell back into his partner, pushing it further even more, his body positively fucking humming. He leaned his head forward, forehead hitting together. Locked eyes. Under the shadows and black lights Kieren realized he must have looked downright demonic. Amy attempted to pull them apart again but to no avail.

They danced and danced, descending into making out. Kieren was half sure they’d just get off right there, but at about four his partner took his hand and lead him out. The warehouse was shutting down anyway. Kieren followed with no argument, still in a fog of alcohol and euphoria. They stumbled down the street, up a flight of stairs. An apartment, trashed. It blurred together. They continued their dance, with less clothes. It was exactly like Rick, the same secret heat, the thrill of being caught. It was rougher than with Simon. Kieren explored every part of this stranger, leaving hickeys clavicle to pelvis. They were in a bed now, naked, the sun rising over Kieren’s back. He could feel the happy drowsiness starting to leave his body, so he pressed ahead. They rolled about and they made love. It even felt like making love, but that could be the last of a high.

In the sunshine it was easy to see his face was a pleasing blend of even skin and dark green eyes. His mouth was like magic, but Kieren tried to avoid the cliche. He was broad shouldered, muscular. Made Kieren feel like a collection of matchsticks. The stranger’s hair was buzzed finely but going by the rest of him Kieren would guess it was light brown. They fucked one, twice, three times before finally Kieren just passed out asleep in his bed.

Waking up a few hours later was like waking up the previous morning. In other words like getting hit by a train. He rolled to his side to find the bed empty. Even when he was an actual one night stand. Fuck. Kieren groaned and pressed his hands to his eyes.

“Thought only I could make you sound like that” the stranger drawled, leaned up against the door frame. He was super naked, Kieren realized. He sat up and pulled a sheet toward his chest, thinking of his scars. “Hey, don’t jump away Bambi” The stranger laughed, strutting forward. “I wouldn’t hurt you,” the man leaned over Kieren now, nipping a sore spot on his neck “Not much anyway. Coffee?”


	6. You Know You Like It - Aluna George

“Well come in and get it” he taunted, stepping back. Kieren honestly was having trouble looking anywhere but his hosts crotch. What had gotten into him? The stranger practically sashayed into the kitchen. Kieren stumbled to his feet, pulling on someone’s boxers. He hoped they were his. Was he even wearing any? Where were any of his clothes?

In the morning light the apartment looked a lot less trashed than it did running up here just hours ago. What looked like a crack in the wall was a hanging plant. What he thought were gaping holes was ceramic bowls on shelves. The bedroom was a small affair, cream and wood and one large king mattress, matted in a fluffy blanket. What he believed to be dust was actually a light grey rug which happened to be unraveling, he noted as he tripped over the edge. His pants were by the chair in the corner. He wasn’t going to fight those.

Kieren wandered into the kitchen which was connected by an arch way. The counters were a faded blue and covered in paint splatter. There was a small copenhagen table, which the stranger sat at, still markedly naked, drinking from a large cup. Kieren sat down across from him. A window was in his direct line of sight, and so subsequently was the sun.

“For an apartment you have a lot of sunshine” Kieren muttered, angling his head downward. He paused reading the strangers cup. “‘your gaydar is correct’?” Kieren giggled.

“Mmm, just thought I’d remind you,” he smiled, which was a kick directly to Kieren’s heart. “The light is nice, isn’t it. It’s why I picked it. Also it was close to the rave.” He shrugged. “Want me to fix you some breakfast?”

“No, thanks. I should actually be going home soon. My mate’s gonna be pissed.” Kieren looked up at the stranger. “What’s your name?” he blurted out. “I sort of, well, forgot, I’m really sorry, I-”

“Hey, it’s cool Bambi. It would explain calling me Rick, haha.” Kieren’s stomach dropped. Had he actually said that? He could feel his face pale a bit before the guy cut in again. “No, my name is Nisba. My friends just call me Nia.” he smiled. “Uh, I don’t actually have your name either…”

“Ren.” He said hurriedly. “My name is Ren. This was...really amazing, but I do need to go.” Kieren stood and went back into the bedroom looking for his shirt. Nisba followed, one eyebrow raised.

“Maybe you were more smashed than I thought. Your shirt got wrecked.” Nia raised a hand in surrender. “That punk get up was hard to get you out of. I can lend you one.” He turned to a pile of clothes and threw him a shirt from the top. Kieren caught it and threw it on, not even checking to see what it said.

“I’ll get it back to you, I promise.” Kieren said, picking up his pants. They were more like leggings. Fuck.

“I hope you do, I want to see you again.” Nia sighed softly. Kieren with one leg in and one out paused, before losing his balance and crashing into the ground. Nisba laughed loudly before going to help him up. Kieren tried to get up on his own but these clothes trapped him. He took Nisba’s and balanced on his chest until he could work his way into his pants. They kept eye contact and Kieren swore his heart was going to burst.

“Who knew putting on clothes could be just as sexy” he joked, before Nia pushed him against the wall, catching his mouth in his. Kieren moaned, thankful that Nia was naked so his hands could roam freely over his chest, pulling him closer. Kieren broke off from Nia’s mouth to trail kisses down his jaw and neck. He paused, looking Nia in the eyes. What was he doing? He was in some guys apartment in the middle of a town he didn’t know, hungover as fuck. But right now he only wanted to do one thing.

“Shouldn’t you be getting back home?” Nia asked, deliberately taking a step backward. Kieren reached out and put a pale hand on Nisba’s dark chest.

“Yeah.” He agreed finally. “Yeah, I have to go. I have to…” he was almost weak in the knees with desire but he forced himself to gather the rest of his stuff. He walked to the door and kissed Nia one last time. Nia had already put his number in Kieren’s notes. He held the door open and Kieren walked through it slowly, looking back only once.

 

In some kind of haze Kieren called a cab and ended up back at Amy’s. He stumbled to the door and pushed it open, praying she hadn’t brought anyone home. The smell of coffee reminded him that he hadn’t had any yet. He followed it into the kitchen were Amy stood in half naked glory, frenching with the guy from the rave.

“My virgin eyes” He cracked dryly. They both sprang apart, Amy almost launching into the kitchen sink. Her eyes grew wide.

“Kieren-fucking-walker.” She bellowed. Turning she smiled up at the guy sweetly. “Aidan honey, can you let us have a second alone?” he nodded, so Amy marched over and took Kieren by his elbow, dragging him into her bedroom.

“Kieren Walker, you complete moron. I have been calling you for hours. Where the hell did you go? I’m not even going to ask because I’m pretty sure unless you tried to hang yourself with a god damn octopus it was to someone’s place, which is gross Kieren! You said you weren’t there for sex, you have a boyfriend! Or did you forget about that?” She almost hit him upside the head. “You had me worried bloody sick about you, dum-dum.” she sighed and fell back against the door. “I’m really glad you’re not fucking dead. That would have been hard to explain.”

Kieren cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow. “Look I haven’t thought about the whole ‘I’ve just cheated on my boyfriend’ thing. It’s inconsequential. What I need is coffee, aspirin, and a bathroom.” He shrugged but spinned, absolutely giddy. “God it was fantastic, thank you! That was just what I needed.” He slid out past her to the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee. Aidan looked up at him slowly before scratching his chin and sighing. Amy followed moments later, dropping a bottle of advil in front of Kieren.

“You have some stuff to sort, handsome. Aidan and I are going out soon. We’ll drop you at your dorm.” She tied her hair back into a bun and tapped Aidan on the shoulder. They both left Kieren alone. If he wasn’t on post-sex cloud 9 he’d have been insulted.

An hour later he was in his old clothes, Nia’s shirt clamped in his hand. Amy and Aidan were making eyes at each other as they walked to Aidan’s car. He rolled his eyes. Amy was such a romantic it gave him headaches. The car ride was stiff and silent. Kieren’s entire physical being was in pain as the full effects of a two day strong hangover took over. He got out when they rolled to a stop in front of the university, not even bothering to take them to his dorm. He needed to walk alone.

And alone was where he was when he saw Simon crossing the quad,  camera equipment in tow. Kieren ducked behind a pillar and watched him, making sure he entered the art building before making his way again. Of course Simon wouldn’t even care that Kieren had been gone for two days. ‘Need to give him space’ Kieren snorted. Fuck that. He’ll give him space, he’ll give him all the space he needs. He’ll just leave.

Kieren stopped. What the fuck was he thinking? He couldn’t just leave Simon like that, when Kieren was the one who was in the wrong. He shook his head and made his way to his residence hall. This was all totally fucked. Just one big hot mess because Kieren couldn’t keep himself in check. One hand rose to his neck self consiously. What exactly had he gotten himself into? He did really like Nia, and he was in love with Simon. He might as well just go into hiding because this was not going to be good.

For right now however Kieren would just stay in his room, beside class. He didn’t have to see anyone. He could live in isolation again. He unlocked his door and dropped his bag, going to the mirror hung on his wall. He had to see the damage here.

And damage it was. Dark purple hickeys trailed from under his ear lobe to below his shirt collar. Some bled into each other. Shucking off his shirt Kieren looked in horror as they went as far as his ribs before they disappeared. He turned to look at his back. Thin red scratches, but nothing that wouldn’t be gone in a few days. God he was so screwed.

He threw his shirt back on and then a sweatshirt, pulling the hood up around his neck. This was like junior high all over again. He sunk down in front of his easel. The only thing he could do now was paint.


	7. Baby - Warpaint

The next week passed mindlessly. Kieren doged Simon when he could, it’s not like his partner even made a huge effort to contact him. As far as most were concerned Kieren had essentially faded back into the background. He already knew he could live here, so in truth he made no bigger effort to talk to Simon. Classes went by, projects done and handed in. It being almost the end of the year he could lose himself in prepping for finals.

But Kieren just wanted to lose himself. Some days he’d wake up gasping for air after nightmares, he’d thrown up on a few occasions at just the thought of leaving his dorm. He always did though, because he had to. There was the time he stared at his razor for three hours considering a relapse. All he wanted was to go home, or go to a home since his wasn’t worth calling a home. And then all he could think of was Nia. Beautiful Nia, with eyes the color of a taiga forest and skin like melting chocolate. He wanted to be in his arms again, to be kissed and trusted and needed. That wasn’t so much to ask for right?

But Kieren Walker wasn’t supposed to be like this. Kieren was no cheater, he wasn’t unfaithful. Ren was. Ren smoked, Ren cut, Ren snuck out of his dorm at 1 in the morning to find Nia in a crowded bar way too far from campus to be justifiably a “run-in”. Ren took Nia back to Nia’s flat. That wasn’t Kieren because Kieren was good and quiet and scared of every bump in the night.

Least that’s what Kieren was telling himself on his walk back home, arms shoved into an oversized jumper and head pounding. He had struck out just after 5am when he had woken in a loose embrace. He left his number scrawled on a post it note near the fridge, pulled into his boots and apologized to the apartment. Now it was annoyingly freezing for a spring morning and dew was starting to creep into his shoes. He wanted to smoke but he needed to be clear for his first class that day, so he just fiddled with his lighter and prayed a bus would run on time for once.

He made it back to campus by a decent hour, the bus only about ten minutes behind, and fell heavily against the outside of the cafe where he and Simon first met many months ago. No, that was wrong, Kieren thought. They didn’t meet here, this was where Simon approached him the second time. They met in class...or something. Did it even matter where they met? It was over right? Kieren was in it with Nia, there was no point in keeping whatever relationship he had with Simon. Everything he did fell to shit anyway. Kieren scowled bitterly and watched the first of the student pass him for classrooms and coffee carts. Fuck them. College was supposed to be different somehow, but it was all the same stuff that had followed him from his hometown.

Or that’s what he told himself, though he was the one who got involved in the drama and made it out to be worse than it was. There was never an end to it was there?

Turning on his heel Kieren stepped inside the cafe and slumped down at a table, not even bothering to order anything. He was only half sure he had money on him. If he pretended to look busy enough maybe no one would bother him. He put his phone out on the table and pretended to be looking through it. Kieren almost didn’t notice that Simon had walked in, yet how could he ignore the feeling of being stared at. Looking up through his lashes at Simon, standing in the door way as if he lived in the place, he knew it was too late to act like he wasn’t there.

Simon was frozen in shock. He had been in cruise control since that god forsaken night with the whiskey bottle, had tried to forget that Kieren was any more than a blip on the radar until he saw him sitting there. If anything he looked worse than he did that night. Kieren looked thinner, more anxious. His hands hadn’t stopped moving since he saw him. He was a ghost. Simon ignored his better judgement and cut through the line to go join Kieren, a smile on his lips where it shouldn’t be. Stopping just short of the table Simon looked down on Kieren in silent shock about exactly how beautiful he was.

But Kieren didn’t rise to meet him, hardly showed any emotion on his face at all. He looked up with a cold menace in his eye, like Simon was the harbinger of all the bad in the world. Simon pursed his lips and sat down across from Kieren who rolled his eyes and stiffened his shoulders.

“Oh no, by all means, sit down.” he quipped, looking Simon dead in the eye. That was scary. This wasn’t like him at all. He was so tired of being afraid of Simon. He was so tired of everything that had happened. 

“How have you been?” Simon asked lamely. His voice sounded almost weak, but that wouldn’t be his style. No Simon had to be composed in everything he did. He folded his hands in front of him like he was praying.

“How have I been? How have I _been_? Are you serious? What’s next on your list of questions? _How’s the weather?_ ” Kieren’s hands were shaking and his face began to flush with anger. Simon was being downright humiliating. “You’ve ignored me for weeks! Haven’t said a thing to me! I tried to-” Kieren choked that sentence off, deciding that guilt trip wasn’t going to make anyone feel better. He looked off to the side quickly, biting the inside of his cheek before continuing.

“I haven’t been altogether that great, Simon. Thanks for your concern but I really should be going-”

“So that’s it then?” Simon interrupted. “You don’t apologize, you don’t call. And then it’s somehow only my fault? I’m the bad guy in every story you write, Kieren. Why is that?” Kieren shifted back into his seat, watching Simon cautiously. The man curled his top lip into a scowl. “No witty response? No excuses?”

“I don’t make you the bad guy, Simon.” Kieren spat with force, “I tried asking for some kind of reasoing that night. Why the fuck did you leave me alone? Why did you just go without a note or anything. You can’t just leave.”

“And why not? I’m a grown man, I can do what I please. You aren’t a child. You don’t need to be so dependent on me for everything. I have to stroke your ego, hold your hand during anxiety attacks, scrape you off the ground when you come slinking back to me-”

“Fuck you!” Kieren shouted, laucnhing back from the table, sending his chair crashing to the ground with a bang. The place fell quiet. Kieren walked to the door, not bothering to turn back to Simon, or apologize to anyone. He was done. He was out.

So Kieren Walker started running.

Kieren Walker always runs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this isn't a hard ending right now, but I might write a third part to this. I can't seem to write anything other than hurt/comfort/angst right now. Also it has taken way to long to update this chapter. I am so sorry. Tell me if you guys want a third part or if I should just move out of the country and never be heard from again. Comment below? Maybe?


	8. *** - Regina Spektor

Simon sat in the cafe for longer than was appropriate for someone who just caused a scene. He picked up the chair and apologized to the manager before resting back into place. He should get up and order a coffee. He should chase Kieren down and talk with him. He hadn’t been in any sort of balance since their last fight. As much as he resented the actions Kieren had taken in the past couple months Simon was starting to think letting him be alone was an even worse choice. He wished he could make Kieren see his side of things. He just didn’t understand how someone could live in such suffering and be okay with it.

Simon rose after an hour waving to the barista as he passed. He left the shop and walked aimlessly through the quad. Maybe he should try Kieren’s room first? The art gallery? Why was Simon even looking for him anyway, after so many misgivings. Maybe he should listen to himself for once and just let him go. Kieren wasn’t even worth it in the end.

The problem was that Kieren was worth it and everyone who has ever met him knew that. Kieren is worth being chased and being fought and being loved even when he does stupid things. Simon hadn’t meant for this to happen, to fall so deeply for this man. He just saw him sitting in class and knew he had to have him in his project, and then in his life. At least for a blissful while. Simon loved Kieren with his whole heart. But he didn’t always like him. And he didn’t always like being in love with him. He hated the sacrifices he had to make for him. He resented how co dependent Kieren was on him. And yet he wanted to be the only person in Kieren’s life.

Simon walked all the way to spruce and pounded on the door before some poor RA let him in. He pounded up to Kieren’s room and knocked. He waited for a response but none came. Simon turned and was already calling Amy when he tried the door knob. It wasn’t locked. Had the door been broken? Simon poked his head in Kieren’s room and almost dropped his phone.

It looked as if it had been torn up from the inside out. Half of Kieren’s shelves were empty, but the objects that belonged there spilled over from a large overturned box. His closet was ripped clean but his clothes were everywhere. The only thing marginally intact was his easel, which housed an incomplete yet horrifying painting of what seemed to be a man in a crystal tumbler, drowning in blood. Smaller canvases leaned against the wall, more self portaits a la Van Gogh, each more warped and twisted than the last. It occurred to Simon to search for blades, drugs, anything Kieren could use to hurt himself. How could he have been so blind? How did he not see this coming? Because Simon had been ignoring him, that’s why. Over some petty argument. Simon almost wanted to punish himself, but he shouldn’t let his guilt distract him. Amy finally picked up, jarring him from the nightmarish vision.

“Simon? Strange hearing from you. Is everything alright?”

“Is Kieren alright?”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean, and I don’t really want to get in the middle of all this-”

“Please, Amy. I wouldn't be asking if I wasn’t really concerned for him.”

There was an icy pause as the weight of that sunk in

“Concerned how?”

“Meet me at Kieren’s. I think you need to see this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I changed my mind and I'm pretty sure I'm going to continue with more updates. Probably going to be very irregular, but I really needed a distraction these days so I came back to fanfiction. Hope you guys enjoy, and keep an eye out for the next chapter soon.


	9. Where Have You Been - Manchester Orchestra

Amy made it to the flat in under twenty minutes, Simon opening the door for her. His face must have betrayed how afraid he was because Amy immediately paled, setting her mouth into a grim line. They both ran up the flight of stairs, down the hall to Kieren’s still open room. Here Simon slowed, not quite sure if he could go in there again. Amy charged ahead, not knowing what to expect. Simon could hear the gasp before he opened the door and walked in behind her. She walked through the mess carefully, touching Kieren’s things lightly. She wrinkled her nose at the overpowering smell of unwashed laundry and something stale. She stopped at the bedside table and opened the drawer. 

“Rick’s picture is still here.” Amy finally said. She pushed it around, hoping to find something more substantial and Simon resisted the urge to tell her to stop. Burnt matchsticks, an empty pack of marlboros. A dimebag she almost took with her. “No blades.” she added. “At least not here. Should we keep searching?” Amy turned to Simon who appeared to be in some sort of trance. “Simon?”

He looked up slowly, still trying to stomach the turn of events. “You don’t think...you don’t think he’s been hurting himself again right?” He asked, loud in the quiet room. The crack in his voice couldn’t be missed. 

“That’s something we won’t know until we talk to him.” she replied diplomatically, running her hand between Kieren’s bed and the frame. She ran her hand under the mattress as well, pausing to pull out a sealed envelope. She pocketed it, deciding to open it later. If it was something too personal she didn’t want to be liable, but reserved full right if she found anything in the room which might concern them. With complete stoicism she kept searching his bed, shaking out the pillowcases, then moving on to his dresser. Simon only watched, occasionally letting his eyes wander over to the painting. 

“How do you know where to look? How are you so calm?” Simon asked again, not looking as Amy emptied the drawers of what little they still had in them. She shrugged and pulled out a journal from between two pairs of jeans. 

“Not my first rodeo,” She muttered, flipping through the pages. Last entry was weeks ago. She only skimmed it but it was just about his parents getting together with him and Simon. No red flags there, or in many of the earlier entries, until you went past december, but she deemed them irrelevant and put the journal back. “This is Kieren’s...second or third breakdown. At least since I’ve known him. He refuses to get himself medicated because of a nasty experience in high school, so he keeps his head down until the bad bubbles over.” She turned now to the closet, brushing the clothes away to look for alcohol. She stood on her tip toes to check the shelf, but found it empty. 

“There’s nothing here except these paintings. Either he took it with him or it wasn’t here to begin with. We need to talk to him. Do you know where he is?” Amy was in full leader mode so she wouldn’t worry. Worrying would just cause panic. Simon shook his head mournfully. 

“God, I’m so useless. I should have seen this coming. I should have known. I just kicked him out and left him alone. I-” Amy cut in at this point. 

“Are you telling me this is the first you’ve seen his room since you kicked him out? Wasn’t that like two weeks ago?” she narrowed her eyes at him. 

Simon hated the way she was glaring at him and immediately went on the defensive. “We didn’t exactly part on good terms. He didn’t even try to reach out to me or anything. You don’t know anything about us, so don’t you dare think you can look at me like that.” He crossed his arms defensively, cocking his chin a little. A strange look dawned on her face. 

“Two weeks ago? Isn’t that when Kieren got really drunk and hung around your dorm room?” Simon nodded, but seemed confused. How did she know? “Kieren came to see me the night after. He was in pretty bad shape. We went to a party to cheer him up and-” she stopped short. She couldn’t just tell Simon about Kieren’s affair right here. But now she had an idea of where to find Kieren. “Come with me, handsome. We’ve got a damsel to save.”

 

Amy didn’t know who Kieren had been seeing the past few weeks, at least not in specifics. When Kieren crashed with her he would sometimes talk about him if she got him intoxicated. He was dreamy, according to Kieren. Black as teak and powerful. Green eyes. He didn’t live too far from the warehouse. With what little description she had maybe someone could help her out. She and Simon rode in a strange silence, not tense but not welcome either. The part of town the warehouse was in was empty at 9 in the morning. She rolled through the street slowly, considering getting out to see if anyone was around who might know the guy. It seemed too risky to chance it so she drove to a more residential area and stopped her car, scanning the sidewalks for any sign of Kieren. 

“Are you going to tell me what we’re doing now?” Simon asked impatiently. Out of that room he was starting to become more like his usual self. “How is this helping, sitting in a car and watching some old lady water flowers?” he huffed and stared out of the passenger window. 

“I think Kieren might have run here. It’s obvious he hasn’t been to his room in a bit, or if he has it hasn’t for too long. Sometimes he holes up with me, but more often than not he stays with a friend in this part of town.” She swallowed hard at the friend bit, but she couldn’t expose him right now, with Simon in a vulnerable space. “I really only know what the friend looks like so we have to do some leg work. The best person to start with is this woman.” Amy got out unexpectedly and Simon scrambled to join her. 

Amy shielded her eyes from the sun and walked toward the woman’s stoop. The neighbor seemed nice enough so Amy began chatting her up a little bit, asking what flowers those were and weren’t they just so pretty. The woman reminded her of her gran in a few ways which comforted her. Simon kept quiet, lurking behind Amy and studying her. 

“So, I was wondering if you could help us out, a little bit. So we’re looking for someone, tall, gangly. Strawberry blonde in a gray sweatshirt and boots. He might have come by here very recently, have you seen him?” The woman shook her head slowly. 

“Not that I remember. I was working, dear. “ She croaked. “Do you children want some tea?” 

“No, thank you. You see we’re very concerned for this friend. Do you know of a man in this neighborhood who fits this description?” Amy then rattled off the descriptors Kieren had used, keeping her expression neutral, but anyone could tell Simon was getting more and more suspicious of this friend.  

“Oh, dear. That sounds like Nisba Strong, he’s just up the street, blue house. He’s not in any kind of trouble is he?” 

Amy smiled sweetly. “No no,” she said at the same time Simon said “That remains to be seen.” The two gave each other an awkward glance before they thanked the woman and started down the street. Tension built up on Simons shoulders as his thoughts spun. What was he supposed to expect? Why would Kieren go running to this friend? Why was Amy being so quiet? He set his jaw. 

“There’s something you’re not telling me, and I demand to know what it is.” Simon barked just before they reached the blue house. “What’s going on here?” 

Amy sighed and ran a hand over her face. “Look Simon, I am doing you this favor because I care about Kieren. But you need to be prepared for whatever we may find. Kieren could be anywhere from mania to completely non functioning depression. Keep your cool or this can get pretty messy. In fact, just let me do the talking.” without giving Simon time to interrupt again she hopped up the steps and rang the doorbell. There was nothing at first. She rang it again before a faint yell came, an off handed comment in a voice that was definitely not Kieren’s. Simon grew more and more irate. Whatever sympathy he had built up over how much he loved Kieren was burning away with his frustration and confusion. 

A tall black man opened the door, smiling at them lazily. He had a strangely powerful presence. His square jaw was dotted with sparse facial hair and what had once been a buzzed head had grown out quickly into a sort of afro. His eyes were warm and inviting which caught the two off guard. For some reason he was not what either had expected. His full lips slipped out of their smile after a strange pause between them. 

“Hello? Can I help you?” He asked, leaning on the door jam. That’s when Simon noticed the bracelet on his wrist was one of Kieren’s, a hemp bracelet he had that was woven for him when he left his first hospitalization. Simon prayed this stranger had no idea about it’s significance, that Kieren had just accidentally left it behind. He scrutinized this man again, looking for any outward sign that he was a danger for Kieren. 

“Right, sorry. I’m a friend of Kieren’s and we were just wondering if he’s come by?” Amy spoke quickly, looking over her shoulder at Simon’s darkening expression. 

“Kieren? I don’t know anyone….wait, do you mean Ren?” the stranger shifted his weight. Simon’s blood practically boiled at the use of the nickname. How dare he? How dare he talk about Kieren like that? 

“Yes, scrawny, big brown eyes, great hair?” Amy smiled forcefully afraid she’d have to restrain Simon before they even got in the door. 

“Oh yeah, of course. He’s here now. Hey, Ren! Some folks are looking for you!” he regarded them again before stepping out of the doorway. “Come on in. My name is Nisba. Who are you?” 

Kieren rounded the corner from the bedroom into the kitchen that opened out into the living room. He was tugging on a t-shirt that was glaringly not his, which covered some purple hickeys left on his collar bones. “Yeah, babe? Who-” Kieren stopped dead, staring into Simon’s wide eyed expression. He wasn’t sure if he should be afraid or very very angry. He stayed silent instead, unmoving. Simon could hardly breathe. His eyes shifted between Kieren and Nisba, and his whole body felt wrong. Everything was wrong. He practically forgot what they came here for in the first place. 

Unsurprisingly it was Simon who took the first swing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day? Wild, I'm impressing even myself. Hopefully I can see what y'all think in the comment section below??


	10. Torn Apart - Bastille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for self harm mention and suicide mention. Also swearing.

Kieren wasn’t sure if Simon was going for him or Nia when he swung, but he was definitely sure that he was going to hurt someone. He and Amy both lunged for Simon as Nia stepped into the fight, ready to face off. Kieren couldn’t even believe what was happening right now, but he didn’t have long before it got worse so he put his full focus into getting Simon to step off. 

“Simon, what the fuck!” he shouted, coming at him from the front. Kiren extended an arm toward Nia before it got any worse. Simon turned on Kieren, rage flashing in his eyes. 

“You disgusting whore! You’ve been cheating on me? With this fucking twink? You undeserving whiny bitch!” Before anyone could stop him his fist snaked out and hit Kieren in a blinding flash of pain, somewhere between his cheekbone and his ear. Another blow landed on his nose before Nia growled something and almost lept on Simon. Amy ducked and ran, realizing she didn’t have the power to stop this. She came around to Kieren and dragged him back, almost immediately assessing his injury. Kieren brushed her away, trying to get Simon away from Nia, regardless of the blood pouring out of his nose. 

“Simon, stop this!” Kieren shouted just before Simon swung Nia into the wall. Regardless that Nia was almost half a foot taller Simon was remarkably strong. Pottery crashed to the floor and shattering. Kieren barely flinched. He saw his opening when Nia pushed Simon back in a defensive move. He full tackled him to the ground, straddling him, as Nia almost tripped forward thrown off by the sudden change in strategy. Simon continued to scream obscenities in Kieren’s face shaking with pure rage. Honestly Simon was terrified of what would happen when his anger ran out, so he kept fueling it, throwing every personal thing he could. Kieren stayed still, silent, watching and listening. He knew Simon meant everything he was saying. He fucked up. He had fucked up big and this was some sick sense of retribution. Half the reason Kieren wasn’t in a full fledged anxiety attack was because he had started to dissociate from fear. Finally after what seemed like hours Simon finally stopped thrashing, laying on the floor breathing heavily. 

“Are you done?” Kieren asked in a flat tone, seemingly bored. Internally he was scrambling for an emotion but couldn’t bring anything up. Everything had shut off. It was a bad sign for him. 

“Are you?” Simon returned. Both men were covered in blood now, painting a rather disturbing picture on Nia’s living room floor. There was a tense moment of silence, and no one had mentioned their positioning. Simon merely nodded and Kieren got up, turning back to Nia. 

The look on Nia’s face was almost murderous, but Ren didn’t know who it was for. He swallowed hard, and then spoke crisply, still in a monotone. 

“I’m sorry you were a part of this. Are you hurt?” His huge eyes showed only adoration and concern, that much Amy could see. Good god, was Kieren actually falling for this man? 

“Ren, you better fucking explain.” He replied cooly. Kieren clenched his fists to keep from shaking. “It better be good cause this blood is gonna be a bitch to clean.”

Kieren laughed at the hilarity of a statement like that in this situation, though nothing was very funny at the same time. He sobered immediately and took a breath. 

“That,” he said pointing to Simon who was now leaning against the wall regarding everyone with a death stare, “is my sort of ex-boyfriend. I guess he was under the impression we were still dating, which would be weird considering he hasn’t spoken with me in two weeks and had just punched me. Previously has been known to disregard people’s basic needs in a fucking relationship and has no concept of mental illness.” Kieren’s monotone only made the whole monologue darker. “That is Amy, my best friend. I have no idea how she got wrapped up in this actually.” Kiren shrugged. “I had no idea Simon would come here and do this, I’m so sorry.” 

Nia nodded slowly. He turned to Amy. “What’s your side, little girl?” he asked, one eye still mistrustfuly on Simon. 

“Simon called me this morning. He tried to find Kieren after they had a fight this morning. He was concerned, and with good reason. Do you want to explain the paintings in your room, or this letter? Or should we all take a little field trip and let Nia see for himself?” Amy produced the envelope from her bag and held it up. She honestly had no idea what it was, but Kieren immediately went white. 

“You searched my room?” he demanded incredulously. “You had no fucking right-”

“Are you cutting again?” Simon asked, looking half defeated by now. The question was like a punch to Kieren’s gut. He locked eyes with Simon. 

“You don’t get to ask me that. You have no say or opinion in what I do anymore. Nia,” he turned back to his lover. “I’m so sorry, I have no idea what’s going on. Really, they should leave-”

“Answer his question” Nia said brusquely. “Answer true.”

“What?” Kieren almost shrieked. “The answer is completely unimportant.” His heart began to beat faster. It was all too much at one time. What dissociation he had was quickly crumbling in the face of mania. “I mean really, you guys don’t trust me? I’m better than this. It was your art project that showed that-”

“What art project?” Nia interjected. 

“Kieren and Simon met because Kieren was a model in Simon’s senior art piece. It was one part character study, another part expose on the bodies of people who self harm.” Amy explained quickly. “They had a huge fight over it as well, if I remember correctly. Something about Kieren wanting to back down and Simon not letting him.” Nia nodded. 

“So you’re still struggling with this?” He asked evenly. 

“No! You all are crazy for even thinking that. I’m totally fine. Just give me the letter and I’ll leave you all alone. I’m sorry I ever showed up today, this is a total mess. I-”

“What’s in the letter Kieren?” Amy asked. She was giving him a chance but if she thought he was lying she would find out for herself. This was just not what you messed around with. 

“Nothing is in the letter, just give it here. I’m just gonna take it and fucking go.” 

“Wrong answer” Amy tore open the letter in a little under the time it took for Kieren to cross the room to her side. Nia caught him before he could stop her. He too was interested. He was involved now. And it was too late. 

Amy’s eyes flicked over the typed page, which turned out to be pages. She flipped through them silently eyes going wide and sad. After what felt like years she looked up, bottom lip quivering. 

“Kieren, what did you do?” she asked before practically disolving into tears. Nia looked alarmed and picked up the letter, regardless that Kieren tried to tear it from his hands. He held it above Kieren’s reach and began to read out loud. 


	11. Corpse Road - Keaton Henson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm so scared of dying without you...I see the dark things that you all try to hide, and I won't be the damndest bit fucking surprised"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for suicidal thoughts, mention of self harm

“Dear Rick,

I stopped texting you. I think you’d be annoyed about that but I never got a response from you. Do you remember for days after the funeral that I would keep calling you and calling you? Your dad eventually stopped paying your bill. No point to, I imagine. I used to listen to your voice for hours. God, it all really has gone to shit. 

I’m with someone now. Simon. He’s so good to me. the other day he told me that I was everything to him, which is how I feel too. I wonder if this means I love you in fear. He get’s angry with me these days because I’m too scared to be out. I don’t know why it bothers him so much. I’m the one terrified out of my mind and he just gets to sit there and complain.These are mean things to say about someone who loves you, but you once cherry bombed my house with your friends when we had to pretend we weren’t in love. I think love makes us hurt others. I forgive you for that by the way. 

It’s very early in the morning. I tried to pack my room up so I could leave. Now I’m packing it up for different reasons. I almost considered relapsing but I thought of how hard you cried when I showed you my scars in the cave the night before boot camp. I’m sorry I ever made you cry. I’m sorry the last thing I did was make you cry. I wonder if my parents will cry when they get the news. 

I’m trying really hard here Rick. I think wherever you are you know that I am. But maybe we’re soul mates, Rick. Maybe we were always meant to be together. I almost paid my next door neighbor for his gun but I decided if the whole point of cleaning up was that my parents didn’t have to hurt when they got my things, it would kind of wreck the plan. 

I think I’m going to kill myself this week. I’m scared my love. I’m very very scared. But I’m so tired. I’ve been going for so long, and I just wanted this all to be done. I keep seeing your face everywhere, so I thought it was time. I shouldn’t be around here anymore anyway. Simon and I are fighting, I don’t think he loves me anymore. I cheated on him. I keep cheating on him. I want to say I hate him. I think I do sometimes. But Nia makes the pain feel better. He never minded the scars, never tried to kiss them better. He knew what they were and why. I think he loves this about me but I’ve become very bad at judging people. 

I kept my old bottle of antidepressants. I think I’m going to poison myself so I still have time to think about you before I go. Did you think of me at all? Did you ever wonder about me? You never responded to my letters so I just don’t know. 

Hopefully when I go I can see you up there. Or down there. Or wherever. We should talk things over. Do you think God lets gay people be together in heaven forever? I bought some razors from the commissary in the student union. I haven’t opened them. Maybe they’ll be buried with for how much I loved them. Maybe I’ll be buried with you. 

I think I want to die but I don’t know anymore. I’m so scared. I’ve been medicating with sex and alcohol but I ran out of both. 

Rick I love you so much. I’m coming for you baby, one way or another. 

Love, Kieren”

* * *

All eyes settled on Kieren, who had stopped fighting altogether and stared at his hands. He was trying very hard not to vomit. Nia stared at him through new eyes, setting a hand on his shoulder.

“Ren, are you hurting yourself again?” he asks with an authority that shushed the room. If Simon or Amy were reacting in any way Kieren and Nia couldn’t tell. There was a silent nod on Kieren’s part. “Can you show us where?” Nia continued, eyes raking over his boyfriends wrists. He shook his head no. “Why not, honey. Are you scared?” Kieren nodded again. “That’s okay. This is okay. We can work with you to get you safer. Do you want to go lay down?” Kieren paused then nodded and let his shoulders drop. He took the letter back from Nia and held it in his hand, as if it could comfort him. 

“Okay. Let’s get you cleaned up and into bed.” Nia ushured Kieren into the bedroom and adjoining bathroom to wash the blood off and get him into bed. Kieren couldn’t stop shaking. How could this have happened? That letter was safe from everyone. Well basically everything. All the energy in his body was gone. He just wanted to slump over and rot. There was no point anymore. The facade that he had been putting up had just completely crumbled. It was all over. He was vaugely aware of Nia tugging his shirt off to which Kieren could only protest, suddenly shy about his scars. His voice was just a whine, but Nia wouldn’t give in. Kieren took it off and he could just feel Nia scrutinizing him, looking for new scars. He was so disgusting. 

“Hey, its okay, it’s all okay. Shhh” Nia ran his hands over Kieren’s sides. “We will get you out of this now. Don’t you worry.” They settled him into bed. Nia sat on the edge babbling until Kieren couldn't fight against the emotional exhaustion and closed his eyes. As soon as his breathing evened out Nia stood and marched into the living room. 

“Don’t you ever try to hurt him again.” He threatened, glaring at Simon. “Don’t you touch him, don’t look at him, don’t even breathe funny or I will know.”

“To be fair,” Amy added. “We could be saying the same about you. How did you not notice he was cutting again?” 

“What am I supposed to look for? Ren had been coming by recently for more than sex. Actually anything but sex. He hasn’t taken off his clothes here in days. When he came in he was just out of the shower. If you are his best friend how did you not notice? How did you not know he had basically written a love letter to his dead boyfriend?”

“You know about Rick?” Simon asked. Nia nodded solemly. 

“I wouldn’t have known if I didn’t press Ren. The first night we hooked up it was the only thing he could say.” The mood in the room became more uncomfortable if it was possible. 

“Well the red flag was not being over Rick.” Amy put in. “Did anyone notice anything else?”

“Substance abuse” Simon and Amy said together. They smiled sheepishly at each other. “You anwered your own question” Simon pointed out. 

“Fits of rage and pessimism” Nisba said. “He becomes erratic and inconsolable.”

“What do we do?” Simon wondered out loud. “Take him to the hosipital?” Everyone exchanged pained glances. Kieren hated the hospital. 

“It’s safest for him there.” Amy insisted after the pause. “He can’t stay this way or he may really end up dead” Nisba nodded but still looked sick at the thought. 

“Who’s going to tell his parents?” Simon countered. “I’m sure as hell not going to do it. You’re his girlfriend, you do it.”

“You’re with Ren too!? Jesus.” Nia put a heavy hand to his forehead as Amy scrambled for an explanation. 

“No! I’m not really his girlfriend. He tells his parent’s that so they lay off him about being happy and well adjusted. They think the cure to manic depression is a good partner, granted they be of the opposite sex. I don’t know, it’s all kind of messed up. He doesn’t want to come out to them, _understandably_ ,” the last part she directed at Simon with a meaningful look. “so I get to play house at reunions. Simon is suggesting I play the concerned girlfriend angle so they take me seriously. They have a history of brushing off Kieren in the past.”

Nia’s mouth curled into a sneer. “I already hate these people and I’ve never met them. I had no idea this is something he’s been dealing with.”

“Well you have no idea who he is, so…” Simon quipped. Nia muttered something under his breath that sounded neither kind nor english. 

“Boys! Behave. We’re here for Kieren, not Jerry Springer.” she rolled her eyes. “So our plan is what, call his folks, put him in a hospital? What about school? He’s almost done. Do you think he can finish it and then go in?” 

“Maybe,” Nia paused a moment. “But is that a chance we want to take? He’d have to be watched closely, and even then things may slip by us. Do we really want to risk him seriously hurting himself so he can finish school?” 

“We have to ask him. We can’t do anything without his permission anyway. I mean,” Simon scrunched up his nose thinking. “They have to keep him for 72 hours, or something but it can take days to get a bed, and after that period he can leave AMA anyway.” 

Amy frowned. “Leave what?” She asked. Recognizing this as a longer conversation she gestured to the kettle on the stove and Nia nodded. She filled it with water as Simon explained. 

“Against medical advice. It means even if they think he should stay longer he can leave. He’s over 18, obviously.” an awkward silence settled over the room. 

“So even if we go through with this it still may not help?” Nia asked. The fear that was curled up in his stomach was creeping into his voice. They were all scared. 

“Kieren has to want to get safer himself. Besides I had a mate who’s been in and out of hospitals since the age of twelve. It all depends on the program, as well as the patient. I wish this was all so much simpler.” Amy pulled the kettle off the stove and prepared three cups of the only tea Nisba had, an african roobios. “I wish we could just ask someone what to do.” Suddenly she spun on her heel and looked at Simon. 

“Jem.” They agreed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry if this is getting really dark. Its been a great therapy to write this. Last year was all messed up for me and I would have killed to have people as proactive about my recovery as Amy Simon and Nia are. If you are struggling like this please do not hesitate to get help. There are so many resources avaliable to you. Also PM me at any point and I am totally willing to talk about anything in this fanfiction with you. Also to calrify I am v American and only know how mental illness works in the american health systems. AMA is a real thing, the waiting for a bed thing is a real thing, I'm not just making this up....wow this got really long. Anyway yeah, comment below or don't. Up to you.


	12. You Don't Know How Lucky You Are - Keaton Henson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does his love make your head spin?

“Who?” Nia asked. He was getting so tired of being kept on the outside. He felt that Ren’s life was a labyrinth of players and he was always only going to have half the script. He was being cheated of something, in a way. He tried to rationalize that he only knew Ren for a few short weeks, and based on his friends it was a bad few weeks. And yet Nia was still taken with Ren like he had never been before. 

“Figures that you’d know Rick but not Jem.” Simon scoffed, tossing his brown hair back with a cocky flip. “His little sister. She’s a sharp one.” he turned to Amy. “But she’s hours away. And how would we explain to her parents we need her to visit but not them? How would we get her to agree anyway? She’s all wrapped up in the ROTC now.” Amy frowned. 

“Well I’m sure she could come up with a story for them if she needed one.” Amy sighed, settling down on the couch. “But getting her to agree might be tricky.”

“Sorry,” Nia interrupted. “But you’re not going to tell his parents he’s in crisis?”

“We have no idea what state Kieren is in, and if you knew anything about him you’d know his parents would only make it worse.” Simon snapped defensively. Nia sneered back at him. 

“Because you’re clearly an expert. You had no idea what the hell was going on with him either. You had no idea he was coming to see me every damn night. So I wouldn’t act all high and mighty, prince charming.” Nia snarled. “If you’re going to keep ignoring me, you might as well leave.”

“Trust me, if Kieren wasn’t in danger, I’d just leave both of you here to live your little domestic day dream. But you don’t know him, I do.” Simon’s eyes flashed to the door like he just might leave anyway. 

“In danger? Why are you so melodramatic? He’s hurting himself, fine. We deal with it. We check him in a hospital, get him a therapist. But that doesn’t mean he needs you hanging about. From what he’s told me you’re to blame anyway.”

“Me!? What have I possibly done to Kieren that would make him treat me like this. I love-” Simon stopped and swallowed hard. Amy gave him a dark look. The set in her jaw told him he was in bad territory. But of course Simon loved him. Everyone who met Kieren loved him. But Simon was there when Kieren was afraid, when Kieren was crying, when Kieren was everything. He was there for Kieren moving on from his depression and his loss. And he had resented it. But he was so in love with Kieren it choked him to death the night he kicked him out. He had slept instead of crying. Simon hadn’t been able to feel anything except anger in weeks. And Nisba had taken it from him. This was the man responsible for everything. Simon supposed logically it was unfair to think this way, that many things in this situation were grey and muddled. But Nisba had stolen the heart of the man he loved. 

“You know nothing.” Simon spat poisonously, but didn’t continue any further. Nia shook his head slowly. 

“I know more than you mate, and you’re going to get used to it, or you’re going to leave. He came and talked to me. You locked him out in every sense. You can’t come back from that and claim to care for him. At the very least, I won’t let you even try.” 

Amy cleared her throat, jarring both from their argument. “Right, now that the air is even thicker with tension, I’m going to call Jem. Do you want to talk to her too Simon?”

He shrugged. “It may help.” Amy nodded and looked at Nisba. “Can I call her from your stoop?” Nia just made a sweeping gesture to the door. 

“I’m going for a walk. You stay here and check on Ren.” Nia stood and walked out with Amy. Now it was only Simon left in the living room, staring down three untouched mugs of tea. He stood shakily and made his way to where he supposed the bedroom was. The door was ajar and he pushed it open wide enough to look in on Kieren. 

He was so beautiful it still knocked the air out of Simon. His long eyelashes rested on his cheeks, their sullenness accentuated by the dying light of a 5pm sunset. His mouth was slightly open, lips shining. His face, which had gone pink with tears had returned to a usual even paleness. His hair was tousled against the pillow, at which Simon’s hand twitched to set it straight. The duvet swallowed the rest of Kieren’s body, bringing to light just how small he was. Simon’s heart beat in his chest heavily as if with great difficulty. He missed watching him sleep. He missed the feeling of Kieren’s even breaths, his face curled into the crook of Simon’s neck. He wanted to curl up with him even now, even after what he had done. Just to feel his heart beat against his ribs one more time. To inhale the smell of him, the smell of paint and shampoo and the heavier smell of his sweat on his skin. God, how he missed him. 

Kieren shifted uneasily in his sleep, a very quiet whimper escaping him. Now he was on his back, shadows cast in the hollows of his collarbones. A single purple mark lay there, a claim to him. Nisba’s claim. Simon felt sick at the thought of someone else touching him. He thought of the nights Nisba had been Kieren’s comfort. He thought of them laying together, of Kieren’s voice lulling them to sleep. Simon knew the feeling well and ached for it. He had messed up on this. He had gotten too far away from Kieren and now, as Nisba had said, he might never get him back. 

Without bidding them tears formed in his eyes. His mouth set in a hard line and he turned his face away. He hadn’t cried since his mother passed. He wouldn't let himself believe he was losing Kieren too. He knew, in a dark and terrifying part of himself, he just might not be able to come back from that. Not like Kieren, but Simon knew if he lost this he’d lose a part of himself too. 

Shutting the door Simon returned to the living room and sat down on the couch. Amy was still chatting loudly outside and Nisba had not returned. Fishing in the inside pocket of his sweatshirt he produced a flask and brought it quickly to his lips. It made him feel sick and heady more than comforted. He slipped it back in his pocket and swallowed his cold tea in a few mouthfuls. He hated roobios. 

Just then Amy poked her head in. “Simon, come talk to her. She thinks I’m over exaggerating.” She all but threw the mobile at him. When Simon drew close Amy lowered her tone. “How is he?” she asked seriously. 

“Asleep still. I didn’t wake him.” Simon fought to keep his voice under control as he brought the phone to his ear, cutting off all hope of Amy asking anything further. 

“Jemima, how are you?” Simon started, setting down on the top step and staring at the buildings across the way. 

“What’s my brother done now? Amy says he’s in a bad way.” Jem sounded more frustrated then concerned, as Simon had expected. 

“Yeah, it’s...it’s not looking so good. Has he spoken to you about anything in the past few weeks? Anything that might be concerning, like about Rick?” 

“What’s Rick got to do with this, he’s dead.” Jem’s voice was high and tight, betraying her immediately. 

“It’s extremely important that you’re honest with us. He might be in danger of hurting himself again. He might have already.” Even Simon could hear the strain in his voice. 

“Amy wouldn’t tell me what he’s done. I don’t know how to help if I don’t know the situation.” there was a rustling on the other end. “We haven’t spoken too recently but he called me around midnight a few days ago and left a message.” 

“What’s the message say?” his heart leaped in his throat. 

“Just that he was sorry. Didn’t say why. Hold on, I wrote it down somewhere…” A louder rustling. “Right okay. He says sorry he caused so much stress when he was living here. He sounded pretty far gone. Why are you asking about Rick?” 

“He wrote something of a letter to him.” there was a heavy pause. 

“Like a  _ letter _ letter? Like a suicide letter?” Simon hung his head. 

“Honestly, we’re not sure. We want to get him into the hospital in case he’s in danger. But we might need you here to do that. He-”

“Hates hospitals. Yeah I know. It might not be easy getting down there just by myself. I can probably say my mates and I are doing something. That’ll get dad off the trail, but mum’s been really uptight since she went to visit him. I think she might have seen this one coming.” 

Simon furrowed his brow. “Maybe, but I don’t see how. I can probably come pick you up. When is the earliest you can be free?” 

“Well today is what, wednesday? Friday, after school.” Simon made a sound of dissent. “I can’t do nothing about it, I have school.” 

“Friday then. I’ll talk to Amy. Thank you, Jem.”

“Wait. You’ll take care of him, right? You’ll keep him safe?” 

Simon took a heavy shaking breath. Could he? Could he promise that?

“I love him. I will do everything I can to keep him safe.” 

“Good. Talk to you soon” she hung up quickly. 

Simon straightened himself out, looking around at the darkening street. Then he noticed Nisba standing against the side of the stoop, smoking. He turned his head and locked eyes with SImon, tapping out his ashes. Just the sight of him turned Simon’s grief into rage. He stood and looked down on him, an accusation on his tongue. 

“Do you think Kieren still cares about you?” he blew the smoke out of his nose, a sickened grimace on his face. Simon almost shook with the desire to punch him, but didn’t answer. “You’re helping him out because you want him. It’s obvious. It’s why you came here in the first place. But I doubt love has very much to do with it.” He smiled like an afterthought. “I’m serious Simon. I won’t let you touch him. Help him all you want, but you make one move on him and I’ll make sure you never speak to him again.” Nia dropped his cigarette into a flower pot before making his way up the stairs into his apartment. 

Nisba himself had listened to only the end of the conversation. He couldn't believe Simon was deluding himself into believing he was in love with Kieren. No, Simon was just selfish. He wanted Ren like a child wants a toy back after it’s been thrown away. If Nia was the only one looking out for Ren’s heart then so be it. Simon was only here because he allowed it. Because Simon had more history with him. Not because he was, in any way, actually good for him. Nisba passed Amy who had braided her hair and was flipping through take away menus. She was the sensible one in the dynamic duo which had crashed through his home. Thinking of that Nia turned and stared at the shattered pot on the ground. He cleaned it without much thought, having forgotten it was there in the first place. 

When he had thrown out the shards Nia turned to the bedroom, thoughts turning to Ren. He opened the door slowly, looking in. Kieren was sitting up now, touching his face in the darkness. His shirt was off, probably covered in dried blood. The faint bathroom light from under the door cast a sheen of yellow around the room. Through this light Nia saw the scars on Ren’s chest. None of them looked new, but they all looked bigger in the shadows. 

“Hey, honey. How are you feeling?” Nia asked gently. Ren turned to him though he couldn’t make out his face. “Do you want anything?”

At first Kieren’s voice only came out in a crack and a wheeze. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Are they still here?”

“Yeah, they’re still here. I think Amy is ordering food.” Kieren said nothing to this and curled up again, laying down and burrowing in the blankets. Nia walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, hand reaching out for him. 

“I wish Rick was here.” Kieren whispered before turning away from Nia. 

Nia ignored this comment before repeating his earlier questions. Ren didn’t respond. Nia asked again but he stayed silent. “You know,” Nia spoke solemnly. “I can’t help if you don’t say anything.” 

“Then don’t help. Please leave me alone, I want to sleep.” Nia stood up, only barely expressing the shock to Kieren’s dismissal. He left without a word, shutting the door behind him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry this is so sad.


	13. Undertow - Warpaint

Amy whirled around when Nisba stepped into the kitchen. Tension was obvious on his face. She wanted to ask after Kieren but thought maybe it was better not to. Too close, she supposed. Simon entered through the front door, eyes downcast. Guess neither got the memo that this whole situation wasn’t about them. She looked down at the take away menu and tucked it back into the rest. 

“Jem is able to talk to him friday, but no sooner. Think we should just keep him here?” Simon rubbed his jaw in an agitated way, eyes scanning the flat as if there was something waiting to attack. 

“What, like an animal?” Nisba countered. “He’s capable of making his own choices.” The look in Ren’s eyes came to him immediately. How someone he adored so much could look at him with such disdain, Nisba was unsure. But it still stung. 

“Is he awake?” Amy thought to ask. “Can we talk to him?” Nisba shrugged noncommittally. 

“He’s not really taking visitors.” He quipped, trying to find something to do with his hands. He knew Simon would just be eating this up. 

“What do you mean, not taking visitors? This-”

“Leave it alone.” Nisba snarled. Amy jumped back, surprised by his animosity. “His sister is coming, there’s no point for you to be here.” He gave a cursory glance at Amy, something bordering on an unspoken apology. His real issue was with Simon, she knew that. 

“Yeah. Sorry to impose. Simon, let’s go grab some food. I know a great place around the corner with bagels and stuff.” She snagged his arm, returning Nia’s apology look. Simon looked as if he still wanted to say something but Amy’s tightening grip stopped him. He set his mouth in a sour grimace. 

“I’ll be back Friday. Make sure he doesn’t kill himself.” Simon muttered, like Nisba needed the warning. They slammed the door behind them and Nia felt the rage fall out of his body in a wave of fatigue. He hated being mad. Normally he was an easy going person, unless it was something to do with people he cared for. Nia turned his back to the door and stared at his near spotless kitchen. So much for something to distract himself with. 

Flopping on the couch Nia shut his eyes and tossed an arm across his face. If anything he might as well sleep. 

 

Amy drove past the bagel shop. Then the thai place. Then the McDonald’s. Simon didn’t protest this. They both needed the silence. It felt as if both their nerves were bouncing around under their skin. Amy’s eyes were burning, mouth dry. Simon wasn’t in much better shape, the last dregs of adrenaline lingering in his gut. He sighed heavily and dragged a hand across the back of his neck. Muscles twinged in protest. He hadn’t even stopped to look at himself, though he supposed he was a bloody sight, literally. He poked at his cheek and nose, which rang back in kind. Fun, nursing a black eye for finals. 

If he kept focusing on the little stuff he wouldn’t think about the cold coil of sadness forming in his body. It seemed to seep in from every direction. How could Kieren treat him like this? Like he was...Simon couldn’t even find a word for it. A stepping stone, a mistake, a problem. Mistake is the one that most stuck in his head. It was all a mistake. Kieren Walker was always trouble, right from the start. Simon didn’t walk in blindly, but he might as well have after this. He scoffed under his breath. Should have known it was better not to date a boy afraid of his own sexuality. Rule number one, no one who’s questioning. But it certainly hadn’t felt like he was questioning. And it could always be worse. Kieren could have left him for a woman. He laughed but it wasn’t really fun and it didn’t really help. 

“You’re not having a psychotic break over there are you? I can only deal with one at a time.” Amy said, eyes shifting over her shoulder as she changed lanes. Simon didn’t say anything to that. “You know, we probably should tell his parents. I’ve been thinking about it. They would know how to take care of it, right? He was hospitalized once in high school, wasn’t he” Simon nodded. 

“They over medicated and under treated, according to Kieren.” Simon’s tongue stuck at the name but he coughed to cover it up. “His folks were clueless. Let him become this...how did he describe it? Like a zombie? Sounded like a Nirvana song, the way he carried on.” Amy scowled. 

“You really are dismissive of this whole thing, aren’t you? You do know this is serious right?” She pulled up to a red light and wrapped her hair up, in an attempt to destress. “Depression is like a plauge. Er, how did that one guy describe it? Cancer of the emotions or something? I can’t remember. Anyway you keep joking about it, but it’s not yours to joke about, you know?” 

“W-what!?” Simon laughed incredulously. “Are you serious!? Didn’t you just make some kind of joke about having a psychotic break? Talk about double standard.” 

Slamming her breaks suddenly Amy had to hold her breath to keep from yelling. “You have no idea what’s going on in my life.” she spat bitterly. “You have no idea. I don’t wear it out like Kieren does. Kieren is very, very sick and you laugh in his face about it.”

“I fucking don’t. I make sure he’s safe when he has panic attacks, I hold him when he crys, I-”

“Locked him out when he had an episode, complain constantly about how much of sacrifice it is to make sure he’s okay, and just generally don’t understand what you’re doing.” Amy finished for him, returning her focus to driving. “It’s okay to not know,” she continued. “But you also aren’t actively learning. You brush all this shit away like it doesn’t matter. It’s Kieren’s whole life. All he does is think and panic about how sick he is. It’s all consuming.”

Simon rolled his eyes. “You sound ridiculous. It’s not that bad. He’s the one that needs to learn how to cope like the rest of us.” 

“I swear to god Simon, you are seconds away from an ass full of asphalt. You just have no fucking idea what it’s like, do you?” She bit her lip to keep from scowling. Yelling at him wasn’t making this better. 

“I’m not talking about this anymore.” He turned back to looking out the window, crossing his arms. Only a vein in his forehead betrayed him. 

“I just think we both need to create a safe space for Kieren. One that actually encourages recovery. Not just keeps him floating dead-”

“Amy, stop.” His voice dropped to subzero and gave no room for argument, much like the rest of his personality. She opened her mouth again to protest, knowing it was a lost cause but unable to give up. She shook her head needlessly. 

“I’ll drop you at your dorm. I’m too tired to go out for food.” she said finally, slipping off the exit for the college. “Think about what I said Simon.” he scowled and hid his eyes from her. She wasn’t some god damn guru, and he knew what he was talking about. 

“Whatever. This is just...its all a fucking mess.” he sunk down in his seat, just short of actually pouting. Amy supposed she shouldn’t be so quick to judge but she had been with this idiot all day. What Kieren had once seen in him was beyond her. The rest of the ride was silent, even as Simon got out. No word of thanks or mention of whether they should meet at Nisba’s when Jem came down. ‘Okay, Mr. sour puss’ she thought venemously to herself as the car puttered back out onto the road. All she could do now was wait for friday to rear its head. She only hoped it would bode better than other experiences. 

This brought to mind a darker time in Kieren’s life. When was it? After finals, freshman year, right? He had barely scraped through and was looking at a summer with his parents. Amy’s skin bubbled in goose bumps at the memory. He locked himself in his single dorm, the one before Spruce. Or was this the time he slept in the parking garage for three days? They all blended together sometimes. No, the parking garage was after his aunt died. He would spend all day sitting on the edge of the garage, waiting to fall off, then would throw his legs over, curl up in a sleeping bag and sleep under the stars. Amy had to call campus security to get him to finally break the pattern. There was the night he tried to poison himself with acrylics. She stayed up for hours scrubbing him clean and making sure he got it all out of his system. Her hands smelled like Dawn dish soap for days. 

She should have seen this one coming. She had seen enough to know the signs, but she ignored it. For what, a drinking buddy? She all but enabled him! As soon as he came to her that night she should have told Simon. Or someone, since Simon would have brushed it off again. Simon really set her blood boiling. How could someone so in the dark be with Kieren Walker? He was so ignorant she felt dumber for having talked to him at all. If Simon cared for Kieren wouldn’t he want to know what was going on in his head? 

Though Simon’s inaction deeply troubled her it wasn’t her place to do anything about it. SHe had already said too much about it. Amy made a point to not start drama, though today was anything but a prime example of this. She rolled down her window absently, taking deep breaths of fresh air. It served to steady her. This couldn’t be her fault because she’d be taking blame away from Kieren. He had to be responsible for not seeking the help he needed. At least she hoped he was. 

This was all too much to handle. If only she could let it all drop. Pulling up to her apartment Amy pulled out her mobile, dialing even as she opened her front door. 

“Phillip? It’s me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter fam, only one more after this. Prepare yourselves for part three! (OR if you play the dragon age games prepare for my new Dorian/lavellan fanfiction)


	14. Message Man - Twenty One Pilots

Friday could barely come soon enough. And yet it came all too quickly, since Simon found himself half way to Lancanshire before he even realized he was driving. Amy’s had lent him her car, and waited at Nisba’s apartment, promising updates through text message. Simon had been trying not to think about what was going on at that flat. According to Amy, Kieren had been refusing solid food since they left and would not get out of bed. He hadn’t thought it so bad when they left. Half of him had a dismissive argument on his tongue, but Amy’s words had been rolling in his head now and he couldn’t get them out. Had he really caused all of this? Was he really so self absorbed he had pushed Kieren to this breaking point? For god’s sake, his life was in the balance and Kieren hardly seemed bothered. 

Simon  was meant to pick Jem up from school, avoiding Kieren’s folks entirely. He both hated and understood that plan. He wished he could tell them, knowing them to be good natured and well intentioned. But they’d step in and it’d be game over. Not to mention that Kieren has gotten through this without them before. He could do it again with little issue. And they had Jem. Kieren adored her, from the bottom of his heart. Surely she would make a difference, if he needed the help. 

An hour later he was rolling past town lines, body weary from the drive. He looked about slowly, acknowledging the pleasant houses and idyllic hills. He’d go crazy here too, Simon decided immediately. A white church house passed him on the right, a group of people gathered in front of it, and probably a gardening group by the look of their clothes. A few more minutes saw him passing a few corner shops and entering a more residential area. He took a turn on to the main road that lead to the school, eyes scanning over woods and hills for miles. Jesus, there was no end to the greenery was there? Finally he was pulling into a parking lot, the disportionately large school looming before him. Teenagers swarmed the damn place like an army, all in matching uniforms. They called and laughed and ran in front of moving cars with abandon. He was just on time then. 

He had just pulled his phone from his pocket when a harsh knock at his window startled him. Standing outside was a slim girl, hair dyed red and bound up in a bun, eyes sharp and smile cruel. Jem looked the same as ever. He unlocked the door and she threw her bags in the back unceremoniously, before dumping herself on the seat like she could barely keep herself standing. When she closed her door Simon pulled out of his spot and was out the drive in mere moments, reversing his previous trip. They were silent until they left town actually, barely giving the other a glance. 

“So you’re messing around with my brother?” She asked caustically, examining her perfectly kept nails. She looked over at him once, reaching around the seat to pull a candy bar out of her bag from behind them. Simon breathed deeply once, then nodded. 

“We’ve met before, Jem. You know that.” He tapped the steering wheel impatiently. “Kieren and I are...were together for a time.”

“Oh, you were together?” She caught on quick, slowly unwrapping her candy. “So what, you found out he was crazy and left?” 

“Of course not. It’s not actually your business, you know, and I would appreciate you not asking.” Simon shifted uncomfortably. “How’s the ROTC?” 

“Good. I’m getting strong now. They said we get to start training with guns soon. Sergeant Macy is a giant prick of course, and makes it harder for the girls, but it’s worth it. I knocked Tommy Mulligan flat on his ass the other day.” Jem smiled gleefully at the thought. 

“Sergeant Macy? Like-”

“Rick’s dad, yeah. He’s always been an army man, when he’s not being a bigot in his free time.” 

Simon nodded once, but didn’t ask anything further, instead focusing on the drive. He was exhausted with worry, but he couldn’t just check his phone. He cleared his throat once, nodding to his phone in the console of the vehicle. 

“Can you check that? Amy’s supposed to send me updates.” Jem picked up his phone and sighed as if the fate of the world hung in the balance. SImon hated teenagers. “The code is 0117” he added, shifting onto the freeway. 

“If you’re not dating, why’s Kier’s birthday your passcode?” She questioned snottily, eyes scanning for the messaging app. 

“Easy to remember, muscle memory, too lazy to change it. Any number of reasons you don’t need an answer for. It’s above the banking app on the first page.” 

There was a moment of silence as Jem scanned the messages. Simon could not wait for this car ride to be over. Was Kieren all right? Had he eaten lunch? They couldn’t just leave him at Nia’s right? Should they go clean his room? Should he get him flowers? Has he ever gotten him flowers? 

“He’s asleep again apparently. Who’s Nisba?” She dropped the phone with a bored expression but Simon could see right through it. 

“Kieren’s...uh...new whatever. Lover? Do people even say lover anymore?” His hands curled white just thinking about it. “Yeah, they met at a rave, so he’s a pretty upstanding fellow all around.” 

“And you’re not taking this poorly at all. Not even a little bit.” Jem carefully unwound her hair, and glared at her own reflection in the side mirror. 

“Do I have to?” Simon shot back, and sped up to pass the car in front of them, gritting his teeth when the driver scowled at him. 

“I ‘spose not, but that would make you a pretty big dick, right?” Jem could not sit still, apparently and shifted her weight back to put her boots on the dash board. 

“Well that’s the common consensus. You scuff that, you’re cleaning it, alright? What about you? You haven’t talked to Kieren since before he left that voicemail right?” Jem shrugged and crossed her arms over her chest. 

The rest of the ride was silent, as neither wanted to admit that they had fucked up. Normally hours of silence wouldn’t bother Simon, but his skin was crawling under Jem’s judgement. It was that effect most women had on him, and only reminded him of his mother. He rubbed at his forearms just thinking about it. Soon enough they were pulling off the exit and heading toward campus. Jem straightened out when she recognized the college signs around them. 

“He’s not actually at school right now,” Simon explained without question. “I’ve only driven to Nisba’s place from here. You want a coffee?” His fingertips were raw from scratching at his sleeve for so long, and he had hardly realized he was doing it. Coffee would give him something to hold before entering that stupid flat. He swung into the parking lot of an off campus shop without waiting for her answer. 

“Isn’t this just going to take more time?” Jem argued, though she got out of the car to follow Simon. “We have to go see Kier.” 

“We are going to see him, it’s just a coffee. I’ve been driving for hours.” Simon was probably too defensive for an argument with a 15 year old. “Stay in the car if you’re so worried.”

“I want a bear claw,” Jem replied, and ended the argument. Each of them were shifting uncomfortably. Every minute felt like ten, knowing Kieren was on the other side of town and waiting for them. After finally getting fourteen dollar coffee (and a bear claw) they started out again. Jem ate her pastry in a record time, but Simon’s stomach turned uncomfortably as they got closer. Would Kieren even want to see him? He hadn’t just a few days ago. And there was Nisba to deal with. He wasn’t sure just how his life got this fucked, but he was in the middle of it and still had finals in a matter of weeks. 

They parked next to Nisba’s apartment and Simon turned off the engine, but sat there staring at the front door. Would this even work? He still thought Kieren should get help, pride and selfishness be damned. He couldn't take it if he got really hurt or even died, and it was looking like an option these days. 

“Come on, weirdo.” Jem eventually said, pushing his shoulder and climbing out of the car. “Gotta go talk to my older brother.” She marched right up the stairs as Simon scrambled after her. His heart leapt into his mouth at the thought of the state Kieren might be in. He tried to school his apprehension as he walked in behind Jem and shut the door. He turned around slowly. 

Kieren was standing in the kitchen, similar to how they first found him, a pair of sweatpants that were very obviously not his dangling off his hips. He had a heavy sweatshirt on, regardless that it was almost 70 out, and Simon immediately recognized it as his anxiety sweatshirt, mostly from the frayed cuffs. So someone had gone back to his room it seemed. Jem was practically wrapped around him, and they held each other tightly, in silence. Nisba was absent as far as Simon could see so he let his guard down and leaned against the back of the couch to watch them. 

“What are you doing here?” Kieren finally asked when they separated finally, though he didn’t let go of her shoulders. “Don’t you have school?” he visibly paled, and dropped his hands. “Do mom and dad-”

“They don’t know,” Jem assured him. Kieren sighed in relief, but tugged on his sleeve. “Kier-”

“It’s not so bad,” he cut her off, though he turned away. “I got up today, it’s cool. They didn’t have to drag you all the way out here.” Here Kieren finally acknowledged Simon, though only with a fleeting glance. Simon resisted the urge to roll his eyes. 

“Oh yeah, definitely. You’re the picture of health,” Jem said sardonically as she followed him into the kitchen. “Was the restriction part of Dr. Oz’s new diet? Get the ‘cry for help’ look in only a week?” Kieren sneered at her but didn’t answer, opening the fridge absently. 

“You know I have bad days, Jem. They just panicked. I already told Amy-” the front door opened them and Kieren all but shot back into the bedroom and shut the door as Nisba and Amy came in, carrying arms full of what seemed to be take away. Simon and Jem exchanged looks and Jem went to pound on the day. 

“Hey,” Simon greeted them, and helped Amy unpack. Indian, Kieren’s favorite. Nisba furrowed his brow at the banging coming from the back of the apartment. “Kieren was out of bed when you weren’t here. As soon as you opened the door he ran. Also Jem’s here.” 

“Open the door, silverdick!” Jem shouted. Her delicacy in the situation was astounding really. Amy quickly rounded the corner to grab her, when neither man moved to assist her. Did no one know how to handle anxiety?

“Jemima!” Amy admonished and pulled her away from the door. “What the hell are you doing?” 

“Kieren locked himself in, that’s what I’m doing. Oh, is that tikka masala? I’m starved!” Amy held her back again. 

“It’s for your brother. When did you get here?” Jem shrugged. 

“Like ten minutes ago. Give me the run down, what’s happened?” She grabbed a bowl of samoas instead, ones that had been intended for Simon and sat on the couch, giving up on the door almost entirely. 

“You are nothing like him, are you?” Nisba asked, with far more amusement than either of his other companions. “You’re a proper bearcat. I’m Nia.”

“So you’re the one getting it on with my brother? Jem.” She stuck out her hand in the same way predators make eye contact and Nia laughed heartily and shook it. Simon would have been apalled with her behavior if he didn’t already know her. As it was he grabbed one of the beers they had brought home, and sat opposite her. Nia settled into the armchair on the right and Amy beside her, also with a beer. 

“Well, now that we’re all friends, except you know, oil and water here, let’s get on with it.” Amy smiled, but there was a nastiness about it. “Kieren’s been in a bad way for a little over a month I think. It didn’t get really bad until a week ago or so. Maybe two?,” She looked to Nia for confirmation who nodded. “Do you want a play by play or the highlights?” Jem pretended to think about it, but very quickly decided on the play by play. She could fill in the gaps later by pestering Simon. “Right well, Kieren drank himself stupid over at Simon’s one morning. Simon, like the person he is, locked him out of his flat and sent him on his merry way. He ended up at my place after, panicked and hungover. We went partying, and yes he does like parties Jem, so don’t look at me like that. Kieren met Nia and I guess...er...well you can follow that plot point on your own-”

“He was in rough shape that night. He was definitely not sober. Called me Rick the whole time. It was...weird. Then he left, but he came back. We saw each other basically twice or three times a week. But sometime after that he showed up on my doorstep and could barely speak. He was shaking like a leaf. After that he started coming over in the middle of the day and he’s been staying here since monday afternoon.” Nia added. 

Simon’s murderous look was just expected now so he barely looked his way. 

“That was when we got in a fight on monday morning. I was worried so I followed him to his room and found it totally trashed. I called Amy and we scoured the whole campus before she finally dragged us out this way. But we found the letter to Rick. Nothing else. No blades, no alcohol, just some concerning art and a letter-”

“Which I then read, out loud. Kieren hid this from all of us and he said that he’s hurt himself recently. But he locked himself in since then and I guess when you got here. We need you here because-”

“You want me to get him into a hospital. Can we even do that?” Jem asked. “He has to be a danger to himself, like actively. Do we have any proof?” 

“Do we need it? Can’t we just say he is?” Simon went to take a sip from his beer and found it empty. Amy’s was too. He rose from his spot to get them more. 

“Maybe? But is this even the best course of action. He said it was alright and he got out of bed. He’s always struggled with food. So just watch his meals, watch his sleeping patterns and I’m sure he’ll be better in a few days.” Jem pushed the rest of her food into the middle of the table where the other three picked at it. 

“Weren’t you all about this three days ago? Jem, he wrote a love letter to his dead ex boyfriend. The words ‘I will join you soon’ were used.” Nia argued. 

“No, no I know that. I just don’t...it’s a lot of pressure.” she paused and looked up at Amy for a moment. Something seemed to pass between them because she said “Okay...just let me talk to him.” Jem sighed and rubbed her forehead. In that moment, Simon decided, she looked terribly like her mother. “I just need to figure out what’s what. Maybe the letter is old.” She sounded far more like she was trying to convince herself of something than actually talking to any of them. She got off the couch with a look in her eye that Simon knew as one of Kieren’s. She took the Tikka Masala and went to the bedroom door again. 

To say they weren’t eavesdropping would be a bold lie, so instead of pretend they waited in absolute silence as Jem knocked once, then three times. A rattle indicated that the door had unlocked and opened, and with a shut Jem was in. Now they could only wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had half of this written for seven thousand years, I'm sorry it took so long. But!!! We have one more chapter to go and I swear it won't be half as corny as the last chapter of the first part. Also look for summer updates of all my major fics. And hey, thanks for reading.


	15. An Act Of Kindness - Bastille

When Jem was twelve she knew what the inside layer of skin looked like. She watched keloid scars heal in slow motion. And re-open. She could tell you how long it took burns to vanish from places they shouldn’t be. She knew what scarred skin tanned and what didn’t. She knew where all the hiding places were in a bedroom. Even the unlikely ones, like under the rug or inside the hollow bottom of a dresser. She knew that dull blades were worse than sharp ones, and how cheap they were at the Stop’n’Go down the road. 

Jem didn’t want to know these things. She hated these things. They drove her insane. She thought about them all the time, between flashes of what her life should be. When she recognized the signs on her friends at school she always reported it, even when it left her ostracized. She couldn’t let them fall into that. It was hell from the outside. She could hear from down the hall it was a shit way to live too. Her parents had done their part, tried to support Kieren. But they barely knew what to do. She didn’t have a much better idea. All they could do was wait. By the time he got to university it was grossly desensitized in their household. But Jem had thought with his leaving home things had gotten better. She knew he got lonely, but this phone call had shaken her down. 

Her brother was curled up in the middle of a huge bed, chest rising and falling rapidly. He was running his hands down his sides as if counting his ribs. They weren’t as visible as the time he started starving himself in senior year, but it wasn’t a visual Jem like comparing. He was whispering something to himself, eyes screwed tight. Jem held the warm food closer to her stomach and moved forward. If she squared her shoulders it would be alright. She could just stone face this. 

“Food’s here,” She muttered and put it on top of the dresser, missing its warmth immediately. She sat on the end of the bed and watched him twitch for a moment until he fell still and his breathing evened out. “This is pretty bad, isn’t it?” Jem asked quietly. 

“They’re overreacting,” Kieren sighed, rubbing his brow. He repeated the gesture again and again until he realized what he was doing and tucked his hand behind his back. “It’s not as bad as when I wrote that letter. That was like...a week ago. I’m still around.” He laughed bitterly. “Sorry. I’m serious, I’m fine.” 

“Have you considered it? Hospitalization?” Jem asked, as if Kieren hadn’t spoken. He frowned and didn’t open his eyes. 

“The semester ends in like two weeks, no I haven’t considered it. God they probably have me on academic probation. What if they think I’m missing? Have they called home?” Kieren’s brain was moving far faster than his mouth, and he was stumbling over words. Jem reached out to take his hand, but never reached him before he flinched backward and pressed the heel of his palms to his eyes. “Shit. Fuck. They’re gonna be so mad.” 

“They don’t know anything, Kieren. I promise. They’re more concerned with getting me out of the ROTC than anything,” Jem winced. “Not important, anyway, I promise you’re fine. And if you explain it to your teachers I’m sure they’ll understand. They’ll also understand you needing to be hospitalized.”

“You know nothing about what university is like, Jem, so stop acting like it. It’s crippling. And everyone seems so..so..I don’t know, so put together. They go to class, they eat, they do things that make them happy. Everything balances out for people like them. And the teachers all think we’re okay. And we’re not. I’m not. But I can’t just waddle into class and say I didn’t do the reading because I was feeling a bit suicidal and couldn’t focus. They’d lock me up. Or kick me out. What if I lose my scholarship, I-”

“Kieren! You’re getting away from yourself.” Jem cut in. “I’m serious. You look like a ghost. What can we do?” 

“Nothing, just leave me alone.” Kieren spat. “Give me a few weeks and I’ll be fine. I need to get my act together.” he struggled to sit up, breathing heavily at the effort. “Honest, I’m not some kind of ego boost, you can’t throw affection at me just when you think I’m in danger. I hate being lead on.” 

Jem rolled her eyes before crossing her arms and muttering “It’s not like you reached out or anything. How are we supposed to know how you’re doing by the front you put up when the parents are around? You can’t blame any of us.” 

“Actually I can blame all of you. You were all fine keeping out before.” Kieren finally got to a balanced sitting position. “I always have a bad time at university, then I go home and come back and start again. It’s all fine alright?” Jem nodded but they didn’t look at each other. It was quiet and Kieren hoped she’d eventually walk away. But she didn’t move. 

“What if we waited? Would you last that long?” Jem asked. “Two weeks? Be honest.” Kieren clenched his jaw so hard it feel like his tooth cracked. Why wouldn’t they just let him sleep? Why did they keep thinking he wasn’t safe? He barely had the energy to breathe, he definitely didn’t have the energy to poison himself. They could all just choke. 

“I’m not going. Stop asking. I already told you, this is just a phase right now. I can tell. It’ll be over in like a week. Or whatever. Can you get out?” Kieren’s hand was tugging at his hair now, as it had grown out. He stared at the shadow Jem was casting but wouldn’t look at her. He knew himself better than any of them and yet he was crazy. He might not know himself at all. He pulled harder hoping the thoughts would go away. He could handle this. He didn’t need them the way they thought he did. 

Jem knew he was breaking down in front of her and it was ripping her stomach to shreds. It was a cross between disturbing and sad, but she didn’t owe him pity and he didn’t want any. Her goal was to get him safe. How could she do that? Was hospitalization even the best option? It had to be. That’s what you did when people wanted to kill themselves. And Kieren could brush it off and pretend it wasn’t happening but she could see it in his eyes. They burned the same when he disappeared in high school. He loved to think he was unreadable but Kieren was the most pattern driven person she knew. 

“Are you sure?” She asked slowly, staying very very still. If she just held out long enough, maybe he would give up or give in. Maybe he would see they were all just trying to help.

Jem doesn’t like believing in good things

They never really happen.

Kieren was trapped. Family obligation, this thing with Nia, his art, his past, everything was dangling in front of him and all he seemed to be able to do right was tie knots. It wasn’t anyone’s fault how helpless he felt, or how dark his moods got but all he wanted to do was point fingers. Did he really have the energy for an inpatient stay? The days of therapy and emotional work looked back at him and demanded everything just to consider. Was that a warning sign or the last straw? He could barely tell these days. But here was Jem, alive and in person asking it from him. He didn’t want to say yes, it was just so much easier to stay quiet and keep it inside. 

But to keep it inside was doing himself a disservice. He had already destroyed his relationship with Simon, and now Nia thought he was a fucking loon. His parent’s knew absolutely nothing about him. And his sister was terrified of him, again. And she had watched it all happen the first go around. He had become so self absorbed in this relapse and was decimating every person in his social circle. Yet to be institutionalized was his choice and he owed it to no one to do that. He could be sorry for his actions without changing his stance on what was going to happen to him. And these two ideas kept warring back and forth in his brain, screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. 

“I want it to stop,” Kieren whispered as Jem reached for the door. “I want it all to stop hurting.” she turned and looked at him, eyes dark and sorry. Kieren slowly looked up at her, for once meeting the worry head on. 

“I don’t think it stops hurting,” Jemima answered evenly. “Lisa still-” she faltered for a moment “Lisa’s memory still hurts. Your illness still hurts me. I want to make it stop hurting for you. But I can’t. And mum and dad want to control you to cope with the hurting. But that’s not how you’ll get better right?” she pulled at her fraying cuffs, breaking eye contact with Kieren. “I’m sorry to tell you that.”

“Want to get them all in here? I know they’re probably leaning on that door, but we might as well all talk about this.”

After Jem opened the door the group all piled on to the bed around Kieren. He sighed and looked from face to face, noting apprehension in every face. He’d really fucked up this time. Nia smiled gently and reached to grab Kieren’s hand. Kieren took a deep breath and steeled his nerves against everything in his body screaming not to be touched. Amy gently shook her head at the both of them, and Simon....while he would rather be pouring Drano into his coffee. 

“Here’s how this is going to go,” Kieren finally said. “I will admit myself” he paused as Amy sighed in relief and Simon did a double take. Nia sucked his bottom lip in worry. “I need some help getting back on track,” he added. 

“Are you sure about this?” Nia asked. “What are you doing about school? Your parents?” 

“I’ll write an appeal, go to the disability center. My folks don’t need to know until I get out. I have to do this.” He tried to muster up some resolve in his eyes but he just felt like a shaking mess. “Amy, can you drive me? And Simon...come with me, there’s some things we need to talk about before I go in. Nia, thank you for helping me these past few weeks. You have no idea how much it means to me.” Nia nodded but set his mouth in a line. Something between them was ending and he wasn’t sure he liked it. 

“Bro?” Jem asked, “Forgetting someone?” 

“Simon can drive you back after I go in, if he’s okay with that?”

“Of course I can.” 

“Well!” Amy cried before anyone added anything else, “Let’s get this show on the road!” almost immediately they all split apart, Kieren to change, Simon went out into the living room to process, Amy went to find her keys and Jem to go finish her food. Only Nia remained, waiting in silence as Kieren slowly pulled on pants that actually belonged to him. 

“Ren,” He said finally, tone soft and serious. “You don’t have to go. We can handle this if you aren’t up to it.” He left of the ‘ _ please don’t leave me behind’ _ but it was more evident then he’d have liked. 

“I know. But I can’t ask you to suddenly train in crisis management. You’ve already done above and beyond what I would have expected from anyone,” Kieren sat on the edge of the bed, taking Nia’s heavy hand in his, tracing his knuckles. His dark skin hid any imperfections from Kieren, but he could feel the small scars on each knuckle. “I need to do this. I need to start....coping with the grief and not just moving it out of sight. It’s killing me. It’s hurting the people I love.” Kieren leaned against Nia’s shoulder, the top of his head brushing the bottom of his ear. “I’m sorry I dragged you into all of this with no warning. I bet you really regret that bar now, huh?”

“No.” Nia answered. “I regret not meeting you sooner. I won’t say I understand anything that’s going on with you, or have any answers for any of these questions, but I don’t regret knowing you. You’re a little fireball, Ren. You light up everything around you.” Kieren laughed, but wouldn’t let himself believe a word. The scars, the nightmares, he was too used to the game to believe Nia was going to stick around for long. But right now it felt nice, and Kieren could handle that. 

“We can talk more when I get out.” He kissed Nia’s cheek lightly. “Don’t forget about me.”

“Don’t forget about me,” Nia repeated. “And don’t go giving second chances.” He warned, thinking about Simon waiting in the living room. Kieren laughed, half in surprise and half in discomfort. 

“Simon may never want to give up being a part of my life, but I still think he deserves to hear my side of things. We didn’t exactly leave things...er, neat or anything” Kieren stood, squeezing Nisba’s hand before heading out into the living room. Jem rose from her position on the couch as all three turned to him. 

“Ready?” Amy asked. Kieren nodded slowly as Jem walked around to give him a hug. They had nothing left to say, but he knew they were there for each other. Simon ducked his head and left the flat before they had separated, apparently anxious to get on the road. Amy followed behind, taking a cigarette from her purse. She and Simon were silent as they waited, also without anything to say to each other. Simon had very little idea where he stood with anyone in that apartment and it made him feel suffocated. After a few minutes Kieren finally appeared, and Amy snuffed her cigarette in a plant on Nia’s porch. Quietly they got into Amy’s car and were half way to the closest hospital before Kieren spoke. 

“Thanks for driving, Amy.” He said quietly. “You helped me a lot.” 

“Anything for you, moregeous. Just focus on yourself in there, yeah?” She smiled brightly, regardless of a feeling of dread in her chest. 

“Yeah. Don’t tell Nia, but I don’t think I’m gonna take visitors while I’m inside. It’ll be like a social reset.” Simon cleared his throat from the backseat, in disagreement no doubt, but didn’t outright say anything until they got to the hospital. Amy pulled up to the emergency room drop off and undid her seat belt before Kieren stopped her. “Just us if you don’t mind, Aim.” she paused and looked between the two but nodded anyway. Kieren and Simon got out together and walked toward the entrance. 

“Got a smoke?” Kieren asked, searching through his sweatshirt pocket. 

“I don’t smoke.” Simon responded blandly before handing him the pack he took from kieren’s room. 

“Yeah, right.” Kieren looked around for a no smoking sign before lighting up. He looked Simon up and down slowly as he did so. He looked like shit, honestly. Dark eyes, tense shoulders, nervous hands. His nail beds were red and swollen from being picked at. Simon kept shifting under Kieren’s gaze, but looked so angry. It put Kieren on the defensive, but he tried to talk himself through it. Since Simon had found out about Nia he really had just been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and Kieren could hardly blame him. It wasn’t fair or repectable, the way Kieren had treated him. But a locked door? Radio silence? That was purely cruel manipulation. 

“What happens from here?” Simon asked. 

“I walk in, tell them I’m in crisis. I get evaluated. It can take a few hours to wait for a doctor, and longer to wait for an open bed. Then its a week or two of group therapy and team meetings. Nothing major.” Kieren shrugged. 

“And us?” Simon asked again, quieter this time, the lift of hope in his voice that he hadn’t quiet managed to wipe away. 

“We...have a lot to discuss. Like how shitty it was that you locked me out, how manipulative and abusive it was to shun me with no explanation. How possessive you got, the way you reacted to Nia,” Kieren cleared his throat when he thought about that scene. “Also we need to talk about my cheating on you. What our relationship is now. I...miss you. Still. It drives me nuts.” Simon’s brows drew together in confusion, and he fought to keep any indication of pain off his face. 

“Right. So, you want to start?” He leaned against the pillar behind them and waited. 

“Well. I need some space from you. I don’t really want to hear from you, I don’t want to hear you try to defend yourself for your shitty behavior towards me because it was abusive. But, when I get out and I get enough space, we can talk….about being friends.” 

“Do you love me?” Simon asked bluntly. Kieren sputtered and coughed a few times in surprise.

“Literally, what the fuck Simon, I just said I needed space and you ask that?” He demanded. “God, you’re so fucking dense on this shit.”

“I’m not an idiot. I see the way you act around Nia and Amy and Jem. And it fucking hurts. You don’t care about me. Amy thinks I’m some ableist prick. Jem thinks I played you. Nia is a fucking cunt-”  
“Watch it!”

“So tell it to me straight, Kieren Walker. Do you love me? I need to hear it.” Kieren paused for a moment. They had gone through a lot together, but more often than not it was always Simon pulling the strings. And Kieren was tired of it. He needed his life back, he needed control. 

“Did I once? Probably. But you ripped the most personal thing to me away. And I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for that. Do I love you now? Do I really have to answer that? You aren’t an idiot Simon, which is probably the biggest problem. You think you know so much about me and my life. But you still thought coming out would be safe for me. You thought that gallery show was a good idea. It was just some sudeo-progressive shit for a grade. Ableist? Maybe. Probably. But that’s your shit to work out. Not mine.” Kieren put out his cigarette and rubbed at the back of his neck. “I barely feel like a person, Simon. I was never over Rick before I started loving you and it tainted everything and I’m...really fucking sorry for the way this all fell out. You didn’t deserve that. But don’t come at me like you’re the victim.”

“I don’t know if I want to see you after this.” He countered. It was supposed to hurt, but Kieren just sighed and nodded. 

“I can understand that. It’s probably best for us. Or you. You can put my shit in my room, Amy has the key. Just...if you’re removing yourself you better fucking commit Simon. I don’t need any more ghosts.” Kieren kicked at the sidewalk a few times. “I guess….I’ll call you. You can answer or not. Up to you.” Kieren looked up and forced a smile. “See you.” and it sounded like an insult. Simon caught his wrist before he could turn completely away. 

“Wait, I-” Simon stopped and looked hard at the exhaustion in his face. He pressed his lips together to keep them from trembling. He was really alone on this. He had finally and resolutely lost him. “I’m sorry.” He finally choked out, and he couldn’t even pretend he wasn’t crying now. His shoulders began to shake and he shut his eyes quickly to keep the tears off his cheeks. Kieren slowly took his hand back and walked through the doors, leaving Simon out on the sidewalk. He stood alone, pressing both hands into his eyes and aching like he never had before. His sobs were loud, startling him each time. When was the last time he really fell apart like this? Years? His whole world was finally breaking apart and he knew it the whole damn time. Eventually, after what felt like hours Amy got out of the car and approached him. 

“Simon…” she spoke softly. “Come on, let’s get you home.” He feebly tried to wipe his face but it was no use. 

“Je-jemima-”

“You’re in no state to drive. I’ll handle it. Just...get in the car, I’ll drop you off.” He nodded and let her lead him numbly. Where could he even go from here? What could any of them do but hold their breath and wait?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the story is finally over. Pardon my hellbrain for the time that took to update. There's probably going to be a third part but like....college. depression. etc.


End file.
